Lunch With Sandy
Welcome to the "Lunch With Sandy" podcast, where we serve up candid conversations seasoned with humor and insight. Join us as we delve into much-needed discussions, sprinkled with our unique sense of humor. On the menu, you'll find a variety of topics, from conflict resolution to navigating tricky questions with grace. We also explore current events, sharing our perspectives on the everyday trials and triumphs. So pull up a chair, grab a plate, and enjoy the feast of conversation.
Lunch With Sandy
The Reality of Love Amidst Social Expectations and Media Myths
Ever felt like your love life should resemble a fairy-tale romance? Sandy and I are here to bust that myth wide open. As we unravel the tangled web of relationships and expectations on the "Lunch with Sandy" podcast, you'll discover that true connection comes from embracing the imperfect, not chasing the storybook ideal. We dissect how the media can distort our view of what a partnership should look like, setting us up for disappointment.
Hold up your relationship to the light of social media, and often it feels like it's lacking that perfect glow. But is that shine real or just a filter? In our heart-to-heart, we talk about the pressures to present a flawless romance to the online world and how this pursuit can leave us feeling inadequate. We dive into the cultural minefield of expectations and gender roles, sharing insights and our own experiences alongside a nod to the rollercoaster ride that is "90 Day Fiancé." Our candid conversation reveals how cultural influences can both challenge and shape our romantic relationships.
Remember that tiff you had over what to eat for dinner last night? Turns out, it's the little things like this that make our connections richer and more genuine. Wrapping up our chat, Sandy and I explore how everyday compromises can lead to stronger bonds, and we highlight the importance of authentic living both online and off. We leave you with this: embrace your own narrative, find joy in your unique journey, and let's stop the endless scroll for a picture-perfect romance that doesn't exist. Tune in and let us guide you through the real, the messy, and the truly beautiful aspects of love and companionship.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best policy? How do you balance what you want versus what you need, and is there something you need to say to your spouse but can't find the right way to say it? If so, then you're in the right place. This is the Lunch with Sandy podcast. With nearly 20 years of marriage under their belts, Terrence and Sandy Jackson discuss a range of topics, provide valuable insights on relationships and talk about the conversations married couples need to have. So what does lunch have to do with all of this? Well, it's a metaphor for how these conversations originally started. Speaking of conversations, let's get one going. Here's your hosts, Terrence and Sandy.
Terrance:Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy podcast, where we discuss various topics and provide insight from the perspective of a married couple. I'm Terrence and I'm Sandy, and today I wanted to talk about the impact media and social platforms can have on the expectations when we talk about a relationship. But before we get into that, please remember to follow the Lunch with Sandy podcast on your favorite podcasting app. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media platforms at Lunch with Sandy.
Sandy:Sandy, how was?
Terrance:your lunch today.
Sandy:It was delicious, that was a nice quick and easy way to describe what your lunch tasted like. Yes, what's going on today? I'm sitting here realizing that, uh, with jacks I'm not meeting his expectations on how much he wants to get petted no one's ever to meet Jax's expectations when it comes to how much affection he feels he deserves.
Terrance:So, that's an unrealistic expectation, did you see? You probably didn't. So I was at work yesterday and well, I had these meetings yesterday and I ended up going back to the office and they didn't expect me there, but Posito was there and he was showing, ma did his video, and then he came and he showed me the video. So you know your boy and I'm calling him your boy, even though I know he's not your boy. Your boy, p Diddy, has a lot of cases pending against him, and so you know, when Cassie brought the case against him, he settled that case within 24 hours. Yeah.
Terrance:Apparently, there's a video and Placido showed it to me yesterday that describes exactly what she said happened to her one incident I think it was back in 2016 where he basically beat her and held her captive in an actual hotel. I got to tell you, the video proves everything that she said. Correct, cnn was playing the video and that's she said. Correct, cnn was playing the video and that's where uh, you know he was showing it from. But the thing about that is, you know, I don't want to. Uh, we sit here, we have these conversations every week, and I know that this is a bit of a sidestep, but we sit here and have these conversations every week and I don't want people to get the impression that our relationship is perfect, but you, know you don't beat me and hold me cap.
Terrance:Nah, I don't take you to no hotels. I mean, that's just the thing. You know. I always mentioned that. You know it's not realistic to think that you're going to be in a relationship that's perfect. Yeah, I do think that there are people who have those unrealistic expectations when it comes to being in a relationship, and I know that the whole diddy thing was a sidestep, and I'm not saying that. What you see is the reality and behind closed doors you're getting beat like that. But why do you think that people have so many unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships?
Sandy:Well, I think people almost expect other people to know exactly what they want, and it's so easy to think how I would treat myself, right, and then you put that expectation on somebody else.
Terrance:I think there are a number of contributing factors that lead to an unrealistic expectation when it comes to relationships. Right, I think the very first one that hits most people is the traditional media portrayal of relationships, and when I say traditional media, I'm talking about movies, tv shows, books and things like that. When you see any type of relationship portrayed in the traditional form of media, for the most part it's very lovey-dovey. The traditional form of media for the most part it's very lovey-dovey or it's something that is effortless. There's not a lot of work that you have to put into it, and I know that there are reasons for that. But I think that's the first piece where you start to get a sense of okay, well, this is what a relationship.
Terrance:and for those who can't see me, I put it in, you know in quotes this is what a relationship and for those who can't see me, I put it in, you know, in quotes, this is what a relationship is supposed to look like.
Sandy:Yeah it makes me think back to like the romance novels. Right, it's so easy to you know, dream up the perfect character and write about it. Right, but in real life that doesn't necessarily happen.
Terrance:No, because there's. I mean there are a number of things that when you start thinking about the first relationship that you saw, whether it be on TV or in a movie, typically there's some well, typically there is a bunch of these grand gestures that happens in these relationships. I think it can create the expectation that you know love should always be exciting, effortless and very little or no conflict. I mean love can be romantic. I mean that's no. I mean like nonstop. Oh yeah.
Terrance:You know, I think one of the things that happens, particularly when we start talking about you know that depiction in traditional media is love is commercialized.
Terrance:And when you, when you commercialize something, you want to show all the best parts. Let's say, and fortunately, well, I'm not going to name about to name a big brand, but I'm not going to do that. But let's say you got a product and the spokesman the spokesman for that product is Diddy. You think you're going to sell a lot of products with him dragging Cassie through that the halls of that hotel. No, you want to. You want I would hope not. You want that depiction of love to be something grand. You want it to be something that people are going to see that and say, yeah, I want that, that's what it should be, and gravitate towards that so your sales can actually go up.
Sandy:Yeah, well, I feel like even in movies and books and stuff that maybe like it's a romantic story, usually there is some type of hurdle, but I feel like the hurdle is kind of minute and they always figure a way, you know, over it and then they live happily ever after.
Terrance:Oh yeah, you don't want to do fairy tale.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:I don't want to do fairy tale.
Terrance:Going back to the, you know the portrayal of love as a commodity. What happens is people get this belief that material expression is, you know, necessary for you to be in a successful relationship. I got to go out and I got to buy you things, have you seen? And we'll get to social media in a second. But have you seen? There are some these videos and they're called. I can't remember what they're called, but it's all about how these guys and I think a lot of it is staged. But what they do is they film themselves and they'll have on you know, the jacket They'll be, you know, they'll have a leaf blower and pretend like they're cleaning up leaves and they'll approach a girl who's walking by and in some cases well, in most cases the girl wants nothing to do with them until they see what car they're driving. But the fact of the matter is, I think people have been conditioned to believe that, in order to show someone that you love them, it takes purchasing stuff for them to show that they actually really care about you.
Sandy:Well, think about Valentine's Day as a whole.
Terrance:I don't think about Valentine's Day, because it's a joke.
Sandy:Well, we don't celebrate it, but you know there are many people that do, you know. And what is that all about? That's all about, you know, gifts and dinner.
Terrance:I mean you got to eat. Well, you got to eat. I mean, I don't mind the dinner part, you got to eat?
Sandy:No, I do. That's actually my favorite part of it is the dinner part, because you know I love to eat. But people rack themselves, you know, consistently in their brains like, oh well, what am I going to get them for Valentine's Day? Well, what is Valentine's Day, the one day a year that you're supposed to show each other how much you love?
Terrance:each other. I think somebody needs to look up what started Valentine's Day. I do think that when you start talking about those days and you start talking about you know how love is depicted in the media. It does create an unrealistic financial expectation between a couple and it's not to say well, let me take a step back. It can create an unrealistic expectation from a financial aspect. If you believe that this stuff is necessary for you to have a successful relationship and you don't have the means to do all these things, that can actually have an impact on you, because now you're in a situation where you may not believe you can be in a successful relationship and that can affect you in a number of different ways.
Sandy:Well, do you think it's that, or do you think it's more like? Oh well, I need to only find a successful relationship in my socioeconomic status group. What do? You mean. Like okay, if I only make this much a year? This is the type of parameters that I have to find a successful relationship Somebody who's making about the same amount as me. I can't go higher, and most people don't want to go lower. Right, like, do you know what I mean?
Terrance:I hear what you're saying, but I'm trying to find where it's relevant to the portrayal, because that's to me, that's you, that's not. You know what I mean.
Sandy:That's those parameters are something that you're creating, that you're saying okay well, I can't go higher, I can't go higher, I can't go low and I want to well, yeah, you're creating it, but it makes me think, like is to your point regarding like she's a gold digger and stuff like that.
Sandy:Yeah, I I just wonder if it kind of almost sets that expectation too. Like you know, stay, stay within your, your means. I guess you know not that, because you can't have that grand gesture with somebody who's making maybe double the amount of money but yet it seems grand maybe for somebody who makes not as much as you, you know.
Terrance:Yeah, I mean, I think, depending on how much money you're willing to spend, whether that's putting yourself in a whole mortgage in your house or mortgage in your kid, whatever you want to do, I mean you can do, I mean you can attempt to do whatever it is that you, you, you want to do. I think that you know each person is different and and and I'm trying to- I'm trying to see where you were going.
Sandy:With that, like, if I've spent a hundred dollars on you, you know, versus somebody who might not have it as easy to spend a hundred dollars, you know, it might seem more grand than you know. Somebody else is kind of where I'm going. So it makes me wonder if, like, that expectation is also has to do with not just how you know that relationships have to have these constant grand gestures, but that almost that grand gesture has to be defined like who it's grand for and who it's not.
Terrance:It's possible. Again, there's a number of contributing factors and I think everyone thinks completely different, so you're never going to be in the mind of everyone.
Terrance:Yeah no-transcript influence society or the environment has on them. It may dictate some of that. So I mentioned social media earlier and I want to talk about the whole social media platform and how that influence can play a role and really does in many cases of setting up unrealistic expectations. When we talk about relationships, we live in a comparison culture currently and social media plays a huge part of that. And I say that because, prior to everyone having all this access to see what's happening in someone else's yard, you literally had to see what was happening in someone else's yard. You literally had to see what was happening in someone else's yard.
Terrance:Let me explain what I mean by that You're exposed to so many different people on social media, whether they be right next to you or a thousand miles away, you get the opportunity to get insight into what it is that's happening in their life, and so many times what happens is people compare where they are, what they're doing, who they're with, with what they see on social media, because they have now all of this access they didn't have before. And the problem with that is, if I'm putting myself out there on social media, the question is am I being 100% real?
Sandy:No, definitely not.
Terrance:Well, that was rhetorical for a second. Let me finish what I was saying. I'm not going to post the bad parts of my relationship on there, not if I'm trying to Stunt, and for all y'all who don't know what stunt means. If I'm trying to impress other people, I'm going to make sure that I only put the good parts out there. I'm going to put all the fun stuff out there. I'm not going to put, you know, anything negative or anything that Might detract from People viewing me as being as close to perfection as possible. And so when you have a situation like that, people are viewing it and they're looking at their situation and they're comparing their situation to whatever you actually present. Even though what I presented has been carefully crafted to make sure that my goals are actually met, I want to seem flawless, so I don't put in none of that stuff. That's out there.
Sandy:Well, I don't even think it has to be carefully crafted. I think that's just human nature. Is that we're not out there airing our dirty laundry? Well, there are a few that definitely do, but most people are just posting about the positive things in their life. Very rarely do you see people posting about negative things in their life other than, I would say, unfortunately, an obituary. I feel like that's the only thing that really gets posted out there. But you know, if you and I got into an argument last night, you know I'm not gonna go on social media and be like ah, that darn Terrence, he really upset me last night.
Terrance:Nah, because what if I took your phone? I wouldn't let you go on social media. Them are just jokes you know jokes. The majority of people would not do that.
Sandy:Right, most people are posting about, like I said, positive things, happy things that's going on that they want to kind of put out there, not necessarily the negative stuff. So I completely agree. I just don't even think it even has to get to the level of carefully crafted. I think that's just natural. Human nature is to just do that.
Terrance:Yeah, Well, you know what the problem is. The problem is well, it's not the problem. When we look at this, we look at it from a wealth of experience, but people coming up today aren't necessarily in that same boat and their use of these platforms is far greater than ours or what we had available when we were that age.
Terrance:So when you start talking about that comparison, people can feel very inadequate because they don't know that either. This is not something, and I will say this social media, right now and today, a lot of that stuff is curated. It's crafted Absolutely. And when you don't have the experience and you're not mature enough to understand that, then when you see it, it's reality for you and that can make you feel inadequate, because now, when you're looking at what it is that you're doing or the relationship that you're in, it doesn't compare.
Sandy:I completely agree, even for people who aren't necessarily we'll call them social media influencers. I know that there's people that are out there, you know, videoing like hours of their lives to get you know a one minute clip to show like how amazing that their life is. Um, and for most part, people do not post crappy pictures Like oh, I was in this part of town. Let me take a picture of this, not just of themselves, but just a crappy picture in general. Definitely looks so looks surroundings. You know it's all about what they want to memorialize per se versus oh, you know what I was in the slums today. Let me go take a picture of that real quick, you know. But people are oh, I was on this amazing exotic beach. Like that's what people are going to be taking, like the picture of. True, true.
Terrance:So do you think culture plays a role in setting unrealistic expectations when you talk about relationships?
Sandy:I think so. I think here in the US we definitely have a bigger like keeping up with the Joneses and like those unrealistic expectations of what life is about and what we're striving for single culture. But the ones that I've been you know that I've experienced I'll say we definitely put more value around money here in the us than a lot of the other countries do. Don't get me wrong.
Sandy:Every country puts value around money right, yeah you know, because you need money to like live. But I think here in the us we also tie it to happiness, like to your point. Like you know, you have to spend money on me for me to be happy, and kind of that unrealistic expectation in a relationship where I I don know if, although the cultures really do that um, at least not the ones I've personally seen Like for me. If you're going to spend money on me honestly, just on an ordinary day, getting me a bouquet of flowers that might cost you like $15 would be, perfectly fine with me.
Terrance:First off, you're being unrealistic because I'm going to tell you right now no bouquet of flowers is costing you $15 today, so that's unrealistic.
Sandy:Well, not on around the times of, you know, certain holidays. Nah, listen, I'm going to tell you something right now. Yeah well, I haven't bought myself a bouquet of flowers Exactly.
Terrance:You ain't getting no bouquet of flowers for $15. See, culture does play a role in setting unrealistic expectations. Right now, for some reason, you feel you can get a bouquet of flowers for $15. That's not realistic.
Sandy:I can get it for free. Just go into the name of your cousin's flowers and we're good to go.
Terrance:I'm going to go in the opposite direction when I talk about culture. I do think there's a possibility that culture can set an unrealistic expectation, and particularly I'm talking about cultures that still to carry on traditional values. And let me explain what I mean by that. There are many cultures where, from a traditional perspective, the man runs everything right, and so, when you start talking about gender roles, the man has specific roles he has to play. The woman has specific roles that she has to play. We're not in those times anymore. However, there are still some cultures that are very traditional and as these kids begin to grow up, they're growing up and they're impacted by a lot of things outside of the actual home, actual home and so in those cases, it's unrealistic for those children to find themselves, or let me rephrase that again, it can be unrealistic for the expectation to be that those children find themselves in those traditional gender roles of the woman's going to stay home and handle the house while the man goes out and actually works.
Sandy:So that's a good perspective.
Terrance:That's definitely something I feel like we are definitely more open here yeah, and, and that's and that's why I say I want to go the opposite, because I think here in we have many, many problems here in the us and I'm not saying that this is a problem in other countries in.
Sandy:In some cases it is Well. All countries have their own problems, yeah.
Terrance:But when you start talking about you know, here in the West, a lot of those traditional values have changed over the years. Or let me take a step back. I won't say that they've changed, but what I will say is, as the new generations grow, some of those traditional values have morphed or have been set aside and they start to develop and follow their path, their own path. When we start talking about, you know values and you know what they want to take from their culture.
Sandy:Yeah. Well, it makes me think about our, our, one of our favorite shows 90 Day Fiance yeah we ain't going to.
Terrance:No plugs for 90 Day Fiance on here.
Sandy:We definitely, you know, gravitate towards the drama sometimes.
Terrance:But we don't watch that show that often. No, we don't.
Sandy:But every now and then you just get sucked in. The thing about it is you know.
Terrance:So every now and then you do get sucked in, and you do. That is something that you really can't see when you start talking about different cultures. The expectations for relationships really are unrealistic.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:It can be unrealistic. They have some success on there. But I've seen a couple episodes where you know the pairings just don't match because from a culture perspective, the expectation is so far off from where the other person is coming from and the other person hadn't even considered or is not willing to actually, you know, come together on that.
Sandy:So yeah, I hear what you're saying about the like I'm an american, you can't tell me what to do. Like we've definitely seen those personality types on that show.
Terrance:Yeah, and the question becomes you know why are those expectations so unrealistic? I think there's such a stark difference between reality and what's portrayed, whether it be online, with social media or the traditional media. So how do, how do we see through those portrayals and get to what's real?
Sandy:Um well, if I think about our relationship, it was, you know, some bumps.
Terrance:There was no unrealistic expectations.
Sandy:No, real unrealistic expectation. But I think you know.
Terrance:There's bumps in every relationship. Keep it relevant.
Sandy:But yeah, I am.
Terrance:So now you have to answer this question, because you started to answer this question, you brought something up that I think is completely. What unrealistic expectation did you actually have?
Sandy:What unrealistic expectation did you actually have? I can't say I had like a real unrealistic expectation, other than the fact that you know our personality types can be different at times, you know, and how I want to be treated is not necessarily the same of how you behave. You know what I mean.
Terrance:Yeah, but I think that.
Sandy:I can't think of an exact situation, but he should know that I don't want to clean up shoes out of the mudroom. I don't know, I'm just completely.
Terrance:Let's get back to the. We're going to steer this back to the original question that I asked you, because I don't know where you're going with all of this. You know, if the expectation is that someone's going to read your mind then yeah, that's unrealistic. Exactly Again. How do we see through all these portrayals that are in the media and all these filters that these people wear and get to reality in?
Sandy:the media and all these filters that these people wear and get to reality. Yeah Well, I think first is understanding that you know that what you see and what you read is unrealistic, to start with.
Terrance:I think it does start with recognition, I think understanding that what you see is what you see is something that's portrayed and and not reality. And then, once you understand those motives behind what's being presented, then you can work towards trying to figure out, you know, what's authentic and what's not yeah, and then stop always thinking that everything's better on the.
Sandy:The grass is greener on the other side.
Terrance:Well, you really shouldn't start looking at someone else.
Sandy:Stop. First understand that it's unrealistic to begin with. Two stop comparing your life to their life is really the next part.
Terrance:Well, first I'll say that not all depictions are unrealistic, right, and I think you have to figure out. You know, once you develop an eye for figuring out whether or not there's a motive behind a portrayal, then you can start to gravitate towards those depictions that are more realistic and stay away from the ones that aren't. But again, that takes some recognition, right, there are some relationships that are unrealistic but they portray some challenge and with that challenge they'll also throw in some problem-solving strategies and when you have a situation like that, you can gain some insight from that, you can actually learn from it. But again, you got to make sure that what you're looking at has the potential to bring you to a resolution that you can actually learn from or work with.
Sandy:Yeah, I'm trying to think of an example of that one, and it's uh, I can't come up with one.
Terrance:Well, I mean, you know, you're in a situation where you and your partner are. You have a disagreement about what to have for dinner. I'm going to keep it simple, okay, and initially none of you are budging, but then you start having a conversation about what brought you two together, and then you remember that you both like ice cream.
Terrance:And so after having a conversation and realizing you both like ice cream, you compromise. You go to Ben and Jerry's to get ice cream for dessert and then you have chicken, because chicken is just a safe bet anyway. It's not the greatest example, but there you go.
Sandy:Okay, I like it.
Terrance:That's because it works. You mentioned this earlier too. When you keep your eye on someone else's lawn, all the crabgrass and all the insects have all the time in the world to infect and destroy yours.
Sandy:Those damn grubs.
Terrance:Yeah, actually I was actually working out in the yard by the telephone pole the other day pulling up some weeds in the pole up and it was a grub there. But that's neither here nor there, but yeah, so again, if you spend all your time focusing on what someone else is doing, then you're going to be in that situation, then you're not focusing on your own.
Terrance:But I think one of the things you, if you, want to talk about, how do you get to the real? You just got to be a leader, and by that what I mean is you can compare yourself to others. You can see what's going on in the media, whether it be on social media or traditional, and you can follow and try to mimic what it is that they're doing. Yeah.
Terrance:But you can also just say hey, listen, I'm going to be my best example for myself and I'm going to plot a path for myself which is going to lead me to the desired outcome that I want, Right. So then you're setting your own expectations and then whether or not you do it right, that's really based on your actions and how you see the outcome of what actions that you actually take.
Sandy:You're right, Because you can actually learn from other people too. It's not always just about you know.
Terrance:That's a good point.
Sandy:Even though people might be portraying their best selves and stuff, but sometimes they have insight as well that you can also like learn from. Like you said, that kind of the problem solving. People might portray something there and this is how you know we dealt with this or whatnot. So I think that helps, at least maybe the one positive that kind of comes out of social media.
Terrance:Well, I don't think you get that from something like that, Because I'm waiting to hear this. If you started that with saying, well, one of the positives that comes out of traditional media, whatever. I was with you. But then you said social media, and I had to cut you off. But go ahead. What's one of the positives that comes out of social media?
Sandy:No, there are people out there right that are putting positive energy out into the world. That is true, and it's not that they're, you know, just always trying to show the unrealistic side of themselves, but they're trying to show the positive side of themselves.
Terrance:I think that's true. I think the challenge is finding it. Yeah.
Terrance:And I think that's where you have to start turning your attention to more viable how do I want to say not platforms more viable options when it comes to messages that are being put out there.
Terrance:So I think, today more than ever, it's essential to cultivate, you know, the ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Once we learn to recognize contributing factors to unrealistic expectations, we can seek out more authentic representations of relationships, as you just mentioned when we were talking about the whole social media piece. Rather than striving for perfection or comparing our relationships to images and narratives on social media, we should be celebrating the uniqueness of our own journeys. We should value the everyday moments and connection that are shared over inside jokes and just being truly seen and understood. Ultimately, by embracing the reality of relationships, their imperfections, challenges and profound moments of connection, we pave the way for a deeper, more meaningful connection in our lives. Let's rewrite the script, shaping a narrative that reflects the beauty and authenticity of love in all forms. Thank you for joining us on the lunch with sandy podcast. Please be sure to follow us and leave feedback on your favorite podcasting app, as well as social media, at lunch with sandy. Until next time, stay well.
Announcer:That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch With Sandy podcast. Thanks for listening. We'd love to hear your feedback and comments on Instagram, TikTok and Twitter at Lunch With Sandy, and be sure to follow us on your favorite podcast app. If you enjoyed the show, don't forget to rate and review us. Thanks again for listening to the Lunch with Sandy podcast.
