Lunch With Sandy
Welcome to the "Lunch With Sandy" podcast, where we serve up candid conversations seasoned with humor and insight. Join us as we delve into much-needed discussions, sprinkled with our unique sense of humor. On the menu, you'll find a variety of topics, from conflict resolution to navigating tricky questions with grace. We also explore current events, sharing our perspectives on the everyday trials and triumphs. So pull up a chair, grab a plate, and enjoy the feast of conversation.
Lunch With Sandy
Power Play: Unraveling the Dynamics of Control in Relationships
Ever wondered how the invisible threads of power weave through the fabric of your relationship? That's exactly what we're unpacking on the latest Lunch with Sandy podcast. Join us, Terrance and Sandy, as we dissect the often unspoken power plays that arise from social status, gender roles, and financial contributions. We share candid stories from our own lives, dissecting moments where we've felt either on top or under the heel in our relationships, and we're laying it all out there for you to connect with.
Navigating the complexities of modern partnerships, we tackle the transformation of traditional roles and the fascinating intersection of professional authority and personal dynamics. There's no stone left unturned as we dissect how the power balance shifts across different scenarios, from the boardroom to the family dinner table. Along the way, we peel back the layers of identity and societal expectations, challenging you to think deeper about what's really driving the dynamics in your own love life.
But what happens when the scales tip too far one way? In the podcast, we get real about the consequences of power imbalances, especially when it comes to communication. From dominating conversations to financial control, we explore the subtle ways an imbalance can leave a partner feeling voiceless. Fear not though - we're here to arm you with strategies to recognize, address, and recalibrate the power within your relationship for a healthier, more equitable connection. And before we sign off, we express our gratitude for your support and encourage you to join the conversation online – because this is one lunchtime chat that's served best with a side of your thoughts.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best policy? How do you balance what you want versus what you need, and is there something you need to say to your spouse but can't find the right way to say it? If so, then you're in the right place. This is the Lunch with Sandy podcast. With nearly 20 years of marriage under their belts, Terrance and Sandy Jackson discuss a range of topics, provide valuable insights on relationships and talk about the conversations married couples need to have. So what does lunch have to do with all of this? Well, it's a metaphor for how these conversations originally started. Speaking of conversations, let's get one going. Here's your hosts, Terrance and Sandy.
Terrance:Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy podcast, where we delve into various topics and offer insight from the perspective of a married couple. I'm Terrance. And I'm Sandy.
Terrance:And Sandy. Today I want to go back and expand on a subject that came up in the last episode and that is power dynamics in a relationship. But before we dive into that, please remember to follow the Lunch with Sandy podcast on your favorite podcasting app. Also, you can follow us on all social media at lunchwithsandycom Actually, it's not lunchwithsandycom, it's just at lunchwithsandy but there is a website lunchwithsandycom. There's nothing there, so don't go to it. Anyway, sandy, how are your weeding hands feel today? They hurt website lunchwithsandycom. There's nothing there, so don't go to it. Anyway, sandy, how your weeding hands feel today?
Terrance:uh, they hurt fingertips, always hurt from waiting see, now you gotta stop moving away from the mic because you're going in and out. But I normally ask you what's going on, what's in your head. But I'm not giving you that opportunity today because when I ask that question I don't feel that I get what I need well, I was gonna actually respond with feeling freaked out that spider bit me near my neck they say you swallow.
Terrance:I don't know a hundred spiders in your lifetime anyway, so I don't know why you'd be freaked out. He's probably trying to get in your mouth well, at least that would be protein benefit.
Sandy:But this little bastard just bit me instead.
Terrance:You don't actually even know if it was a spider. Could have been something else Could have been. You know you'd be out there playing with all kinds of bugs.
Sandy:But I didn't do anything the day that I got this.
Terrance:Maybe the bug was just hitching a ride on you for a while and then decided to take a bite out of crime at some point. Take a bite out of crime Bugs you never know what they're thinking. No, so last week we had a conversation about equality and equity in a relationship, and during that conversation, the concept of power dynamics came up and how it could play a role in a relationship. Power dynamics came up and how it could play a role in a relationship. Power dynamics can have a significant impact on relationships based on the roles and how they play out. So we're going to discuss that today and we're going to jump right into it. I'm going to ask you this very simple question have you ever been in a relationship where you felt either empowered or disempowered, and what made you feel the way that you actually felt?
Sandy:Well, yeah, but it was probably one of those extreme situations of feeling disempowered and I'm feeling disempowered, but other than that, I don't feel like any other one. I felt either.
Terrance:or I think in every relationship there's a power balance based on who the individuals are. I think sometimes it's not recognized because if it's not an extreme situation or depending on where you are in your stage of life, you may not recognize it, but when you start talking about power dynamics, there's a number of ways.
Sandy:Well, what about you?
Terrance:Have I been in a relationship like that? I mean, first off, you know, I used to watch He-Man a lot, so I got the power. No, I mean it depends He-Man a lot, so I got the power. No, I mean it depends. I've been in relationships where I don't want to say I felt disempowered or empowered, right, I think I phrased that question specifically for you to actually see what you were going to say. But I think sometimes you carry the power in certain situations or in certain aspects, and I think in other situations there are other people who actually carry that power.
Terrance:Now I think when you start talking about feeling empowered or disempowered, I think that has a lot to do with who your partner is. I think you can be in a situation where someone makes you feel disempowered based off their actions and the things that they say and how they move, and I think the same can be said from the perspective of feeling empowered. And again, I think it depends on who that individual is right. So when I think of power dynamics, I think they can manifest in a number of ways. When I think of power dynamics, I think they can manifest in a number of ways and the one that I think is at the forefront of my mind is the social aspect of the power dynamic. When I think of the social aspect.
Terrance:I think of a situation where someone's involved with someone who has some level of status and, in a social setting, that level of status provides them with a certain level of power. But when I do think about the social aspect, again, it's not just one particular area. You can be in a situation where, based off your background socially, whoever you are you may be afforded or you may be viewed as having a certain level of power, and also based on your gender, from a social perspective, you may be viewed as the person who has the power in the relationship. Any thoughts on that? Sandy, the person who has the power in the relationship. Any thoughts on?
Sandy:that, sandy? Yeah, I think when most people think about it it tends to be gender biased, right? You know, typically in the past the men have always thought that they had the power. But then it makes me think from a when I think of the family perspective, it's, you know, I don't know your last name may be carrying some weight around, especially like if you've grown up in like the same town and everybody kind of knows your family, you know.
Terrance:I think that's more.
Sandy:You wouldn't classify that as social.
Terrance:I would classify that as social, but I would attach that more to status. I think based on your name you may be afforded a certain level of status in a particular area and that may give the impression that you hold a certain amount of social power based on whoever you're with. Like you know, if you were in my old neighborhood back in Connecticut you know you might be recognized more because of your last name. Uh-huh.
Terrance:I mean it might not be for a good thing, but still I mean it might not be for a good thing, but still, well, even you know here where we live.
Sandy:it's my maiden name was a unique name.
Terrance:I don't think that afforded you any power, though.
Sandy:No, but not me. Well, but it's kind of like oh, are you so-and-so's cousin, you so-and-so's sibling, because there wasn't many of us that had that last name. So maybe it did afford me some power, because that name associated me with those particular family members.
Terrance:I think it might have afforded you some recognition. But when we start talking about power dynamics in a relationship.
Sandy:I got the power, not you.
Terrance:Too late. I already used that line. I think, when most people think about the balance of power or power dynamics in a relationship, I think immediately, they think of the financial aspect, or they think of. They think or they view it from the perspective that okay well, or they view it from the perspective that okay well, he who brings home the bacon or she who brings home the bacon has the last word.
Sandy:Yeah, I feel like that's an idea that is a lot harder for people to walk away from. I feel like that one continues to rear its ugly head.
Terrance:What I will say is this, and I'll say this both from the financial perspective and I'll say from the social perspective I think times are changing. I think when we start particularly with the social well, social and financial if we start to think back historically or we start to look at different generations, I think that the social aspect well, particularly depending on where you are, that social aspect and that financial aspect from the power dynamics is starting to kind of dissipate a little bit with newer generations and you know the new structure of relationships or family, and it's not so much the traditional well, this person goes to work, so this person makes the money and so this person gets to make all the decisions. I think that's changing with the upcoming generations.
Sandy:Well, I think the family aspect of who goes to work and who brings home the bacon is changing, but I don't know if that leads to much change in who feels like they have the power based on. You know, roles may have switched and that other capacity, but I feel like the idea that if I'm the one that brings home the bacon, I think people just naturally gravitate towards the fact that they think they have the power as well.
Terrance:So you're saying you think you have the power.
Sandy:Of course I said that already.
Terrance:You ain't got no power.
Sandy:But you know, and then financial, which it's sort of tied into it, but I think of it in a class of its own, as occupation.
Terrance:So you got to explain that.
Sandy:Like if you have a and then I don't even mean like a position in power, right, but well, not necessarily like so I'm not really speaking of, you know, a police officer or something like that, but in a occupation that you are consistently like listened to, like right, like so, you kind of just holding an occupation where people listen to your opinion and you make a lot of decisions, I feel like that can also translate. Them people don't live with you.
Terrance:I know, but you come home. Ain't nobody listening to you.
Sandy:I think that sometimes people will you know, continue to react the same way once they're old.
Terrance:I think everyone is different. I think sometimes people may get caught up in their head and think that because of their occupation, you know they may have that aspect of the power dynamic on their side, but at the same time you can have people listen to you and your partner or spouse or whatever can come on and make double what it is you're making and guess what? You ain't got no power.
Sandy:Right, you ain't got no power, right? Well, I'm thinking, if I'm telling people what to do all day at work, is that going to just naturally translate to at home?
Terrance:No, because you can tell people what to do all day at work if you want. You don't come home and tell me what to do. It don't work like that.
Sandy:What are you talking about? I do it all the time. But no, I don't purposely tell people what to do at work, so that's not me.
Terrance:All right, we're going to move on from your occupational and move on to.
Sandy:So you don't like my occupational theory, that's fine.
Terrance:No, it's not about whether or not I like your theory. Everyone is different. I said we're moving on because now you're dragging on talking about you're coming home, you're telling me what to do, and we ain't got time for that. We preach the truth here, no lies. Anyway, there's another aspect of the power dynamic that I think about that I don't think a lot of people really pay much attention to, and that's the emotional aspect. There are situations where, emotionally, people are in situations. There are situations where, from the emotional aspect, one individual or the other has the power to influence what the other person does or says.
Sandy:Yeah, I'm trying to think about that one Like. And what do you mean Like? The person is just.
Terrance:For instance, let's say Needy, we're going to use you as an example.
Sandy:Okay.
Terrance:And I'm just using you as an example. Let's say, for instance, on the off chance, that you wanted something and you knew that all you had to do was cry and you would get your way. You would use your emotions to then influence your partner to do what it is that you want them to do.
Sandy:So partners acting like toddlers?
Terrance:That's I mean, that's, I'm not saying that what I'm saying is, when you start talking about power dynamics, there's a number of different aspects that that can splinter into and I think that, emotional or emotionally, that's one of those dynamics that can actually have an impact. Because, again, if it's a situation where you use your emotions or it could be the verse where you know you know that your emotions I guess I really can't say that we're going to leave it at the example that I just Okay. It made me think of something else.
Sandy:but yeah, like what, like this well is dry. Don't come to me until you give me what I want.
Terrance:As well as that's not emotional.
Sandy:Well, I'd be playing on your emotions, not my own. That's not playing.
Terrance:Well, I'd be playing on your emotions, not my own. That's not playing on my my emotions. This well is dry. You know people can go get water from somewhere else. Take that however you want to take it anyway I again.
Sandy:I personally wouldn't. But.
Terrance:Yeah, whatever. Again, that's not necessarily emotional, but what that could be is physical. Now you can look at physical from a number of different perspectives. You can be physically stronger than someone and from that perspective, when you start talking about the power dynamics, physically someone may have an imbalance based off their physical strength or your well is running dry, and physically someone has a need that you're withholding to assimilate or assume that you have some level of power based off you being able to have a faucet that you can turn off.
Sandy:I wonder if that actually works.
Terrance:to be honest, you wonder if what works.
Sandy:People manipulating other people that way.
Terrance:Well, people are very manipulative and they may be trying to do that, but then again you know there's consequences to all your actions. Yeah. And we did an episode about you know people going to sip from other people's wells. Maybe that's one of the reasons why it happens.
Sandy:Maybe there we go.
Terrance:So I'm not going to ask. I was going to ask this question, but I'm not because I don't want you going off the side rails, because what I was going to say looking at the different dynamics, or the different aspects of the power dynamics that we discussed, where would you say that we fall within those branches of the power? I can tell you right now, from the physical perspective I got all the power. You're weak.
Sandy:What are you talking about? I'm weightlifting.
Terrance:I got a perfect example today that shelf. I need you to help me bring that shelf up.
Sandy:I said because it was tall, not because it was heavy. And you see, and do you see how, and I didn't even try, but since you had just come home, that's why I said, oh, perfect timing.
Terrance:Yeah, and you see how I handle it. So I turned it to the side and just walked up the stairs with one hand.
Sandy:Whatever. But anyhow, I think most people, probably looking from the outside in of our relationship, probably think that you have all the power.
Terrance:I would say that, well, I mean, I can't speak for anyone else. I can't, but I think just the way that you present yourself, the way I don't talk to people Outside of the people who are in my circle and the circle that I move in.
Terrance:I don't really talk to people. Everyone at my job knows that I don't handle any of the finances. So even if the perspective is okay, well, I may have all the power from the financial perspective. I wouldn't know because I don't do any of the banking Touché. You know what I mean. Now, from the social perspective, I don't. Again, I would have to say on the social side, if we wanted to talk about the balance of power, I would say it depends on where we are like. If we're in these parts, yeah, you got it. I don't even want it, but you got it, you got it. But if we're at, you know, if we're at events where my kind and when I say my kind I don't mean my kind, I mean the people that I move with, the people who are in those associations and things like that Then I would say from the outside, looking in, it would appear that I have the power in those situations.
Sandy:Well, I even meant it from. Like you know, you can be vocal and direct, and I think you know.
Terrance:Yeah, I can be.
Sandy:And I think oftentimes the kids think that you always say what goes. But at least when they were. The kids are grown. I mean when they were like younger. Well, even Ayla today, she thinks I am pretty certain. She thinks that you control all the power here.
Terrance:She might be right. All right, so we were just talking about where the distribution and those dynamics of power might fall. Now let's talk about what happens if there's a situation in a relationship where there's an imbalance of power. Right, so let's talk about the impact of an unbalanced power dynamic. We talked about how we feel the distribution of power is within our relationship, but in different relationships power manifests itself in different ways. Is it fair to say that in particular situations or when it comes to particular different things, if there is an imbalance of power, then the person who has more influence will probably get more priority when we start talking about what it is that is being asked, or whatever the decision is, yeah, well, to be honest, you know, makes me even think back on our days of going to buy cars, Right, and I think naturally because you're male they turn to you to have the conversation.
Terrance:Yeah, but that's from the outside.
Sandy:Yeah, but no, it just makes me think of situations similar to that. So right, our situations have been from the outside, but it makes me kind of think from the inside too. Right, Like I'm the man I should know about cars, and hence I'm going to make the decision.
Terrance:I don't think. I don't think that, that in that situation, I don't think it's more about being a man, I think it's more about okay, well, if you hold the power from the perspective of, maybe, the financial perspective, or of your view as having all the power in the relationship, then yeah, you make that decision. It's not necessarily because I'm the man I know about cars, because there's a lot of situations where the women know a lot more about cars than the actual man does, for sure.
Sandy:But no, I was just using the car shopping analogy because, you know, I feel like that's. That's definitely a place in time where I see other people trying to kind of influence our relationship dynamic, because they always turn to you first and then you're like, oh well, she needs to figure out the numbers.
Terrance:That's right, because I don't do none of the banking. I do make the decision on the cars. I just don't make the decision on whether or not we're buying the car.
Sandy:Right. So to me it makes me think about okay, well, if there's an imbalance of power in a relationship, is the same thing happening, right, like the guy is just like well, for whatever reason obviously it's not because they have to know cars, but it could be that they have the, you know, the gender power, the financial power or whatever power that they just automatically think like oh well, I got the power, so I'm making the decision.
Terrance:I think, when it comes to decisions, I think ultimately, each individual is different comes to decisions. I think, ultimately, each individual is different, but I do think that if you're in a situation where you feel like you have all the power, then when you start talking about the decisions that need to be made, you're going to put the priority on what you feel is best. Not to say that that's right and not to say that everyone would do that, but I do think in some cases that may happen, or even just do it without consulting your partner.
Sandy:You know, we probably have a dollar threshold between the two of us, not that we've ever really talked about it, but like, oh hey, I'm gonna spend blank on blank, you know, and we just tell each other.
Terrance:But I I can't even buy a muffin without you freaking out. You knew that was coming.
Sandy:But you know where it's like. Oh well, you know whatever. It doesn't matter what they think, because I'm just going to buy whatever it is that I want.
Terrance:So that's a good segue. Let me ask you this question Do you think an imbalance in power can shape how couples communicate? Because I think that is a. I think there's two aspects of it. I think that, right, there is.
Sandy:Financially and communication.
Terrance:Yeah, I think that right, there is more a communication issue as opposed to financial issue, right like I'm not even going to speak to my partner.
Sandy:So I feel like, yeah, it can cause definitely an imbalance there. I'm not going to ask their opinion, not even going to give them a heads up, I'm just going to go do what I want to go.
Terrance:Do I think that in those situations where, even if you do communicate, the person who has the power has the opportunity to assert their opinions and dominate the conversations or any questions because they feel like they actually have the power?
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:And I think that if you're on the opposite side, where you don't have that power, I think it is probably harder for you to voice your opinions and have your voice heard, because you feel like you just don't have the power. You can't express your needs.
Sandy:Either that or you are expressing yourself and it's going to not get reciprocated, or you're constantly going to get kind of pushed to the side, and I think ultimately that could also end in resentment, right.
Terrance:So what happens when you're in a situation where someone feels like they have all the power and they're asserting their opinions and dominating conversations and you're not having your needs met because you're afraid to voice what it is that you need?
Sandy:Well then, you just need to go grab a frying pan.
Terrance:Obviously, we're not grabbing. We don't condone any violence. What I was looking for is, when you're in a situation like that, you know there can be obviously a huge barrier in communicating and then when you have that barrier, that's when you start to have a whole bunch of trouble. Right, we talked about this before you have. You know all the misunderstandings and you get unintentional messages because the way that you're communicating is not conducive to being open and honest.
Sandy:And I think, right, it ends up being where you attempt to communicate your unhappiness. But you know, it also kind of makes me wonder like does it change the style of communication based on it? Because if you're expressing your opinion like you said, needs are not getting met. Do you then have to alter your style of communication?
Terrance:I guess, so the communication piece is important, but let me ask you this Do you think that the person who is viewed as having, you know, less power can be totally honest with the person who has more power? And the reason why I ask that is because communication is one thing, but you also got to consider support being impacted when someone has all the power.
Sandy:When I say support, I mean support for each other, support for yourself or your partner in a relationship, support for each other, support for yourself or your partner in a relationship that's a good question, and I don't know if I me personally I could be that way. I would probably not be completely open and honest and, yeah, I'd probably end up, like I said, resenting you for it.
Terrance:What are you saying? Resenting me, you would end up resenting your partner for it. Yeah, there's also the situation, or there's also the issue, with you. Know, if you're in a situation where you are the one who does not have the power, then when it comes time and you have to compromise on something, there's a chance that you're going to get the short end of the stick, because if I'm the person who has all the power, why do I need to concede? Why do I need to make concessions if I'm the one who is it? Know what I mean.
Sandy:Yeah Well, and that makes me kind of think of the fact like you know, do they just stop? You know, stop caring, stop just voicing opinion, just like whatever, everything at that point, because you're right, if they're just going to get their way anyhow, like what's the point?
Terrance:Yeah, it's possible, all right, so let's talk about how to address a situation when you fear there's an imbalance of power dynamics in your relationship. I'm going to toss it to you and I'm going to ask you this question, and I'm going to hope that you've actually thought about this question how would you go about addressing it?
Sandy:Well, since I can't get the frying pan, I would honestly just tell you hey, like this is how I'm feeling when you do this action, when you take over the situation and you don't even speak to me about it or whatever it is. You know, that's just the one example I have, but you know I don't like it. I feel affronted and offended and whatever.
Terrance:Look at you using them words what?
Sandy:if I said whatever Too bad no.
Terrance:I think the first step is recognizing that there's an imbalance, that it exists. I think that has to be the first thing and that, whether that be you going to your partner and saying that or you guys sitting down and coming to that assessment. But I think the first thing is, you know, recognizing that it actually exists, because then, when you recognize that it actually exists, there's an imbalance, then you can start looking at OK, well, what is the cause? You can't fix something if you don't know it exists and you don't know what the actual cause is. Once you know that it exists and you know what the cause is, you can now start to address it and take whatever steps as a couple or individual to rectify what it is that's actually going on.
Sandy:Yeah Well, and I think it's got to be difficult, especially if the person with the power doesn't even realize necessarily they have it and then they have to also give it up at the same time.
Terrance:Well, I mean, each person is different and I'm not going to say they're going to have a problem giving it up if they didn't recognize it. I'm not going to go down the path that you always go on. But once you recognize it and you know what the cause is, then I think the other part about that is having that open communication, promoting open and honest communication and mutual respect. Because if the situation existed where there was an imbalance and you care for that person and you actually have the actual respect, then when you start having these conversations, you're going to listen to them and try to actually rectify those. Otherwise, why are you together?
Sandy:Yeah. So, Because I want the power.
Terrance:Well, so because I want the power. Well, and one other thing that you can actually attempt to do, rather than say I want the power, is find ways to actually rebalance the power dynamic so that there's greater equity within the relationship. In order to do that, you have to really know each other, because each relationship is different. But once you know each other and you can recognize where those imbalances are, then you can work on rebalancing it so it's not so imbalanced. Were you going to say something?
Sandy:So you never commented on whether you felt like ours was imbalanced or balanced.
Terrance:You didn't ask me. Why am I going to comment on something you didn't ask me? I don't feel that it's I think. First off, I don't want people to think that we're perfect. I am, but you're not. I think what we do works. Yeah.
Terrance:I mean I don't see a situation where you know one person is, with the exception of the actual money. I do tell people all the time Sandy can be doing whatever she wants to do with that money. I would never know. That is the only thing. Other than that, I mean we have a lot of communication about a lot of stuff. I mean I don't go out and just willy nilly buy bikes without having communication conversation with you. That would be an issue.
Sandy:That would be a problem that would be a problem, that would be a problem.
Terrance:I'd probably have like 10 bikes yeah, you probably would we'd probably be not here right now bike poor?
Sandy:we definitely. They talk about being house poor and being bike poor.
Terrance:We would be bike poor. We would be bike poor. No, I think what we have works. I mean, nothing's perfect and I don't pretend that anything will be perfect. I don't think that we need to move towards perfection. I think it works. If we get to a situation where it doesn't work, then we can work to rebalance the power dynamics of this relationship. That's good enough for you, mm-hmm.
Sandy:All right, I keep hearing this song in my head.
Terrance:All right, well, enough about your song. We've come to understand that power dynamics are not solely about dominance or control, but encompass a spectrum of influences that shape how we relate to one another. Influences that shape how we relate to one another Whether it's recognizing and challenging gender norms, redistributing responsibilities more equitable or fostering open communications and mutual respect. Addressing power dynamics requires a willingness to confront the status quo and actively work towards creating a more balanced and inclusive dynamic. As we navigate our relationships, let us remember that understanding and addressing power dynamics is not a one-time fix, but an ongoing journey of self-awareness, reflection and growth. Thank you for joining us on the Lunch with Sandy podcast. Please be sure to follow us on your favorite podcasting app and social media. Until next time, stay well.
Announcer:That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with Sandy podcast. Thanks for listening. We'd love to hear your feedback and comments on Instagram, TikTok and Twitter at Lunch with Sandy, and be sure to follow us on your favorite podcast app. If you enjoyed the show, don't forget to rate and review us. Thanks again for listening to the Lunch with Sandy podcast.
