Lunch With Sandy
Welcome to the "Lunch With Sandy" podcast, where we serve up candid conversations seasoned with humor and insight. Join us as we delve into much-needed discussions, sprinkled with our unique sense of humor. On the menu, you'll find a variety of topics, from conflict resolution to navigating tricky questions with grace. We also explore current events, sharing our perspectives on the everyday trials and triumphs. So pull up a chair, grab a plate, and enjoy the feast of conversation.
Lunch With Sandy
Deciphering the On-Again, Off-Again Relationship
Have you ever found yourself cycling back to an ex, despite swearing you turned that final corner? Join us, Terrance and Sandy, as we lace up our running shoes and pedal into the heart of on-off relationships. Our recent Lunch with Sandy podcast episode is a roadmap through the rocky terrain of love's loop-de-loops, where we share hearty laughs, personal tales, and the surprising statistics that might just make sense of those reunion urges.
As the wheels keep turning, we ponder the peculiar pull of the past. Why do some couples repeatedly hit the brakes only to reignite the engine? From the gravitational force of comfort and familiarity to the push of loneliness and societal pressures, we unpack the cargo of emotions that can reroute ex-partners back into each other's orbits. Listen to how family influences and the unresolved issues from the last breakup can echo in these decisions, and join the conversation as we consider whether some relationships deserve the second—or fifth—chance they're given.
Strap on your helmet for the final leg of our journey as we shift into the necessity of self-reflection post-breakup. Through anecdotes and personal insights, we spotlight the wear and tear on self-esteem and trust that can emerge from a series of romantic roundabouts. We share our thoughts on personal growth, the significance of spotting recurring patterns, and how to navigate the emotional turbulence that comes with a fluctuating relationship. So, whether you're on a tandem bike with your on-again, off-again partner or riding solo, we're here to accompany you through the landscapes of love and self-discovery.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best policy? How do you balance what you want versus what you need, and is there something you need to say to your spouse but can't find the right way to say it? If so, then you're in the right place. This is the Lunch with Sandy podcast. With nearly 20 years of marriage under their belts, Terrance and Sandy Jackson discuss a range of topics, provide valuable insights on relationships and talk about the conversations married couples need to have. So what does lunch have to do with all of this? Well, it's a metaphor for how these conversations originally started. Speaking of conversations, let's get one going. Here's your hosts, Terrance and Sandy.
Terrance:Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy podcast, where we delve into various topics and offer insight from the perspective of a married couple. I'm Terrance.
Sandy:And I'm Sandy.
Terrance:And today we'll be discussing the on and off again cycle in some relationships. But before we dive into that, please remember to follow the Lunch with Sandy podcast on your favorite podcasting app. Also be sure to follow the show on all social media platforms. At Lunch with Sandy what are you doing over there, sandy?
Sandy:I don't know, trying to stay warm.
Terrance:Well, you were fiddling with your sleeve and I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
Sandy:I was putting my thumbs through my little thumb holes. Is that a running shirt?
Terrance:Technically, I think it's a yoga shirt, but Okay, yeah, because you can't run in a shirt like that.
Sandy:What are you talking about?
Terrance:First off, you would spend the whole time running trying to fix the goddamn shoulder. The thing is falling off your shoulder there. That is definitely not a running shirt.
Sandy:It is meant to do that though.
Terrance:No, running shirt is meant to interfere with your stride, which causes your arms to go back and forth, which?
Sandy:that shirt will definitely do. What if my shoulder is hot and it wants some air to breathe?
Terrance:Then you're going to end up looking like a lobster or crab, because you have one shoulder out in the sun and it's going to actually burn.
Sandy:But I do need more running shirts with the holes. My older ones do not have that. I need more shirts in general.
Terrance:I probably shouldn't have bought that bike today, but hey, I'm going to live it up.
Sandy:Yeah, that's another topic, I guess in the future that's another topic, I guess in the future.
Terrance:No, we're not going to have any topics where we discuss what I need to make sure that I am staying healthy. So I'll be here for you and the kids in the long run. Well, I that is not a topic of discussion.
Sandy:I would say most people would argue you only need one bike.
Terrance:That's not true. No cyclists. Right Well no cyclists would tell you you True, no, cyclist, right? Well, no cyclist will tell you you need just one bike.
Sandy:To be healthy is one.
Terrance:So let me break it down before we get too much into the side. So there are different types of bikes, yeah, for different types of activities, right, and the bike that I got today is for climbing for elevation, which, you, you know, I do a lot of Right, is that not true? That is accurate. That bike right there is for speed, which, again, we do a lot of.
Sandy:We were just finally even, and now you had to one-up me.
Terrance:Nah, you know what? We ain't never going to be, even Not until you get into it like I'm into it. You got a trainer now.
Sandy:Yep.
Terrance:And we're going way off topic. But anyway, we need to get this out of the way because you know this is the lead in.
Sandy:You have a trainer now Once you start using the trainer at least twice a week. Come talk to me. Well, honestly, it was funny because I did go for my bike fitting on my newer bike this week and he was asking me a lot of questions and I was like I have no idea about how you actually ride and what your plans were, and stuff like that.
Sandy:Yeah, like cause he also did like a shoe fitting and he's like you know your clips are a little far back. Was that done on purpose? And I was like I don't think so. And he's like oh, I was like I'm pretty sure Terrence just put them on.
Terrance:Trying to throw me under the bus.
Sandy:No, I mean like, like he put them on for me.
Terrance:I I never adjusted them, yeah, yeah. And first off, shout out to johnny from johnny's place. That's who you're talking about. You can't actually say you can say his name, okay. Yes, you can say his name, yeah. So the whole point of that is, you know, when he does the fitting, he needs to know certain things he's like is that comfortable?
Sandy:and I was like I guess yeah yeah.
Terrance:So when, when you can actually say with you, you know confidence, that, yes, this is what I do, this is comfortable, then we'll talk about you getting another bike. But that's not why we're here today and I'm glad that you know you, I'm glad you got, I'm glad that you got fitted and you needed some parts for your bike, because that led me to find enough some parts for your bike, because that led me to find enough, led me to find a phenomenal deal on a bike. And it's funny because you know, I was in Trek last Sunday. Yeah, yeah, last Sunday. I was in Trek last Sunday and they had some bikes but nothing caught my eye like this one that caught my eye. So, anyway, that's neither here nor there. Do you know we are in the Muffin man? That's neither here nor there. Do you know we are in the Muffin man? No, I know you don't know the Muffin man, although every now and then, a good muffin will take you a long way. Do you know that we're in baseball season?
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:No, you didn't know that because you don't follow baseball. I don't follow baseball. So sure we're in baseball season right, okay, let me ask you this question. Sure, we're in baseball season right? Okay, let me ask you this question Do you know what the cycle is in baseball, a baseball season? Do you know what?
Terrance:the cycle is in baseball Running around the no, the cycle is when you get a single, a double, a triple and a home run all in the same game. Oh yes, it's the cycle. That cycle we're going to be talking about the cycle today.
Sandy:Oh, I thought we already were.
Terrance:No, we're talking about cycling and see this. Let me tell you something this is the Sandy that I need every time we record, because you just tied all that in and I wasn't even thinking about it. I wasn't even going to where you got to step your game up like you're doing today. Yes, this is how the bike bikes all tied in. Look at that, you good today, you good. Today, we're going to be talking about a different cycle today. The cycle that I want to talk about today is the on again, off again cycle, with relationships, right, when you're in a situation where you break up with somebody and then you get back together with them and see, that's a concept that is very, very.
Terrance:It's foreign to me, it's foreign to me because you know, in the past I've always treated relationships like a job, and let me and let me explain what I mean. You know when you go to work there are certain things that you know you have to do to be a valuable employee. Yeah, I used to work at this place I'm not going to name the place but we had this rule and the rule was two days, no call, no show, you got fired. That's what I used to do in a lot of relationships If I didn't hear from somebody in two days that they didn't call and show up in two days the relationship would be over, so you never bothered asking if they were OK.
Terrance:You know anything happened I was young and 100 percent of the time it was no situation and 100% of the time it was no situation where, well, there was one time where one person was actually, from what they say and from what their friends were saying, they were actually locked up in Virginia. But that's neither here nor there. We ain't going to get into that because you know I've had a few crazies in the past. But the whole breaking up and making up thing and I will tell you sidetrack, one of my favorite songs is Break Up to Make Up. You know who sings it Stylistics Break up to make up. I'm not going to say I'm destroying the song, but anyway, that concept has been very, very foreign to me.
Terrance:But it's not that I haven't seen, it has been very very foreign to me, but it's not that I haven't seen it, I know. You know I was in DC recently and you know when I every time I go to DC, it reminds me of a good friend of mine. I haven't talked to him in a long time and his name is Lance, and Lance used to be involved with a few people that he would go through these cycles with and I could never understand it. So you say the concept is foreign to you, but I'm going to ask you are you one of those people who've had that experience with the whole breaking up and getting back together thing?
Sandy:uh, no, usually once I break up with somebody, it's done, it's over, like that's it, like I've put all my energy and effort into it.
Terrance:And once it's over, it's over. So you never had a situation where you just said I'm done and had regrets about it afterwards and then went back. Nope, Ironically, I did a little bit of research on this Forty to 50 percent of the people who are in relationships have gotten back with an ex. I think that's a staggering number.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:Well, from my perspective, I think it's a staggering number and I think, whether or not—.
Sandy:I wonder if there's an age behind it too.
Terrance:Well, here's what I would say. I think as you get older, there's not a whole bunch of breaking up going on, and again, this is just my opinion. I would imagine that you know you reach a certain point where you know you're, you're in, you're stuck in your ways and not everybody gonna accept you for the way you are. So those people who do, you probably want to stick with them well I.
Sandy:I just wonder if it's you know, if young adults have the tendency to do it more.
Terrance:That was all well, you know so let's, let's talk about, let's talk about possibly why you know because that would be like one of my, my thoughts like and the possibly, why, right? The age?
Sandy:I don't think, Well not their age, but like their immaturity.
Terrance:So I've always felt that you know if you're breaking up with someone. If you break up with someone, it's for there's a reason behind it, Right? So in my mind, I would never you know, I would never entertain reconciliation, because you know, basically, if I'm going to go through this whole process and say, all right, I'm done, then I'm done because there's a whole mental exhaustion aspect of doing the same thing over and over. But again, like I said, I've known people who have been in that cycle for a very, very long time with a number of different actual people, and what I've found from my experience with having conversations with them is it's like you ever eat this is not the greatest analogy, but you ever eat a bag of chips and you have all these chips, right, and then when you think you're done, there's all those little crumbs at the bottom of the bag.
Sandy:Yep.
Terrance:Right.
Sandy:And the crumbs are awfully tasty.
Terrance:The crumbs are tasty. But from what I've been able to gather and from the conversations I've had, people tend to get back together when they have unfinished, unresolved feelings or lingering feelings where they feel that you know they've gone through whatever they've gone through, but they still have feelings for that actual person.
Sandy:Right.
Terrance:So I guess, if it's a situation where you still have lingering feelings for someone, the question that I think you have to answer is well, why'd you break up with them in the first place? Because I think it's going to be very rare where you're in a situation where you break up with someone and all those feelings are cut off right there?
Sandy:Yeah, for sure. Well, and then that kind of makes me wonder is it lingering feelings or is it more like almost like lingering issues, like you just weren't able to finally realize that this is not going any further. So it's like unresolved lingering issues? You know what I mean, to where you know, like I said, for me it's been like okay, it's I've done all these things and it's it's not benefiting this relationship, so I'm done Like there's no other option.
Terrance:What brings you back?
Sandy:Well, I know that's what I mean, like. So maybe it's not just lingering feelings, because you're always going to have those, especially at the beginning. You know the feelings don't go away until over time. So I'm wondering is it lingering feelings, or can it also be like lingering unresolved issues, like you just feel, like you just didn't figure stuff out.
Terrance:I did have a friend again, and I'm not going to name any of these people, but I did have a friend who told me that one of the reasons why they would go back is because they realized something in them that they didn't realize before. And so it was one of those situations where they felt that they weren't ready for, and again they felt that they weren't ready for, a certain level of commitment, and then they felt that they grew, and so then they went back to that situation.
Sandy:To see if it helped.
Terrance:Well, not to see if it helped, but they felt that they were ready for that level of commitment.
Terrance:And then find out that they weren't, and find out that they weren't, and they left and then they came back. They felt they grew a little more. So I guess, from the perspective of if you feel that you were in a situation where you weren't ready, and then experience has taught you some things and you feel like you've grown, maybe you know you're going to give it another shot, but I think in those situations you got to ask yourself whether or not it was just you.
Sandy:Right.
Terrance:And I don't say that to blame that on the other person, and I don't say that to blame that on the other person, but I think sometimes we find excuses and rather than say, yeah, we were just pieces of crap, we say, well, I wasn't ready.
Terrance:And again, I'm not putting this on everyone, but I'm saying you know, you really, when you start going through that cycle, you really want to make sure that if you go back you examine why you actually left, so you don't actually end up repeating those same things to bring you back to where you are.
Sandy:Well, right, I guess it would be. Perhaps they just felt like they needed space to figure things out, like is it really worth it out? Like is it really worth it? But at the same time, I don't know, like, why break up? Why not just say let's just you know what I need a weekend get away by myself. Yeah, you know, but you know everybody's different. I would think another reason this is the one that I could see, probably the biggest one for me taking part of is when I get so angry that my feelings just explode and are overwhelming and you become irrational.
Sandy:But yeah, go ahead well, that's what the thing. Well, that's honestly, that was the word I was going to use, like I could see being irrational to where I'm like, forget it. This isn't going to work out Like done.
Terrance:Yeah. So now let me ask you this, because you just said something and so let's say that actually has happened. You're not getting back when you know that you were irrational and you just Well, that's never happened, but I'm saying this is the situation.
Sandy:No, no, I know, I see it happening, like you know where I'm just because, oh, you might not.
Terrance:You might not be a member yet, but yeah, exactly do we want to try this. You might be the you you might, you might end up being the president.
Sandy:But you know, and then, after you know a day where the deluge of emotions and feelings recede, you know, the volcano has simmered back down, simmered back down, like you know. Wait, maybe at that point I would regret it and then see that I was being irrational.
Terrance:I think for some people there is a big issue with commitment, and what I mean by that is you know you get involved with someone, it starts to progress and there's no real issue from the relationship perspective, but there's a real issue with you being in fear of being in an actual commitment and so you know, you break up because of that fear and then while you're well, I'm not, I'm not because I mean I'm not using, I'm not. I'm not saying that for the free pass, but I'm saying that there are people who are afraid of commitment.
Sandy:Well, yeah.
Terrance:And so they get, they break up and they might not be with anyone else. You know, they might just be out there and just think they're going to find something better or whatever.
Sandy:And then Realize the grass isn't always greener yeah.
Terrance:And they go back, and then it's one of those things where commitment is, one of those ones where I can see that the cycle continues until you start to actually look at yourself and say, okay, well, am I truly ever going to be ready for this? Is this for me Right? Because, again, if you're not willing to commit, particularly to someone who will that's the other side of the coin is okay. Well, this other person keeps taking you back or getting back with you. So you know, I don't know what the dynamic is there and you know that's a whole nother kettle of fish, as Barry Chipman would say.
Sandy:But no, that brings up. So you have the fear of commitment and you have it where. Maybe it is that it's just their own internal fear and has nothing to do with it. But then I'm sure that there are times where it's. You know, people are looking for that free, free. Listen just look, you know, something happens. They're like that's it, and then they, you know so little sun, sun, and then come back.
Terrance:So this whole episode we break up the makeup right and then come back. So this whole episode, break Up the Makeup right. It's one of those things where, because of the fact of the, because of the topic that we're talking about you, know, there's a very slim margin or slim chance that you can go to the dark side and you just did it. You just found a way to actually. You just found a way to actually, to say, well, you know free pass.
Sandy:I'm sure there are people Come on. You don't think so that there are people who just take the opportunity there?
Terrance:The world is a very vast place. Yeah, exactly, I'm sure that there may be some people who are out there, but the fact of the matter is, in order for them to be able to do that, someone has to be accepting them on the other side, and maybe that person is getting the free pass also.
Sandy:Hey, to each their own. Yeah, maybe it's like, hey, let's break up for a month so we can both get a free hall back.
Terrance:Okay.
Sandy:I'll see you in a month.
Terrance:I think what happens when you're in a situation like that is you're used to being with someone and you're used to things being a certain way. And then you break up, and now you got to go through this whole process of finding someone who is going to be equal. So, because you're familiar with someone in the process in a relationship, sometimes being familiar with that person is what leads you back together.
Sandy:Yeah, well, and then yeah, and I'm also thinking the other one, which is maybe there are real issues in your relationship. You recognize that.
Terrance:I think there's real issues in all the reasons you break up.
Sandy:I mean, like you know, the right thing to do is break up. But your heart's telling you know no, but you get like lonely and you just don't have the energy to invest into finding a new relationship, that you just go back.
Terrance:Well, loneliness, so loneliness is is is a big perpetrator, I think and something like that.
Sandy:Well, we are socially animals. We nobody wants to be lonely.
Terrance:Yeah, and so loneliness for the most part.
Sandy:There's a few hermits, I'm sure, out there.
Terrance:It'll make you put up with a whole bunch of crap. There's a big emotional journey that you go on. When you're involved with someone, yeah, and you know, when you've had that experience and then you're by yourself, you're lonely, or you know you're with somebody else, yeah, the experience is different and if you're yearning for that same experience, you're going to go back to that actual person.
Sandy:That just sounds like so much work.
Terrance:What? Going back to the same? No, well, that's so laziness. I'm going to put that on Sandy's list.
Sandy:I just honestly, I can't see myself ever getting back into another relationship. If something was to happen Like I would just be done.
Terrance:Well listen, every relationship is laziness. I mean laziness. Are you saying that you're in this relationship because you're lazy? Every relationship requires work.
Sandy:You heard it here, folks. No, it does. But to start from scratch, like that's just, I think I'm too old for that.
Terrance:I don't know she's putting numbers on herself. I do think there are some times where external factors will be a part of or cause that cycle to continue. Right, If you're involved with someone and you break up, your family could be putting pressure on you to get back to them.
Sandy:Oh yeah, like. Oh, they were such a nice person, like you know, and they had all this going for them. Like why would you break up, even though you know? Again one of the situations where you know deep down inside that you guys aren't meant to be, but everybody's telling you how great they are and putting, like all this you know, stress on you and then you're like I guess I should just Well, and particularly if they hit you with, that you're not going to find anybody better.
Sandy:Oh, yeah, yeah, I've had that one, yeah, so.
Terrance:I mean it could be family, you know, it could be friends. I mean, a lot of times it could just be society around. And it's not that someone's saying anything is that if you go everywhere whether it be on social media, restaurants, wherever and you see couples, there's some and you're by yourself. There's some pressure. You might not be willing to admit it, but there's some pressure to say, hey, listen, I want to be. I don't be sitting here by myself. I'm posting pictures of myself smiling, pretending to be happy, when you know.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:I was. I wasn't happy in that relationship, but I wasn't this unhappy Right?
Sandy:Yeah, exactly Like. What level of happiness or unhappiness are you ready to deal with? But I can definitely see the family. You know not to put my mom on blast, but she did tell me that nobody was going to want me Listen. I love how you say not to put my mom on blast but then you go ahead and just blast her and I just walked away.
Terrance:Mama, that's her, that's not me. I'm not putting you on blast.
Sandy:So yeah.
Terrance:I feel that if you're in a relationship that goes this cycle, you know you have to question the quality of relationship that you're actually in. So do you feel that there are situations where you would get back to with someone after a breakup? I know you said you know because you're lazy, but I mean, are there any other situations where you feel that you know you would get back with someone after a breakup?
Sandy:Oh, you know? I think you answered it, yeah.
Terrance:When you're being irrational yeah, when I know it's all my fault and I was the culprit and the irrational one would be definitely yes for those of you who aren't lazy and irrational, before you decide if you should get back to someone, I think you really need to look at what is the actual reason. Well, what was the reason for the actual breakup? Right, because those reasons will help you decide whether or not you're going to end up benefiting, you know, from any type of reunions. So the question you'd have to ask yourself is this Did you make a mistake?
Terrance:Right ask yourself is this did you make a mistake, right?
Terrance:If you were irrational and you did something without thinking about it and you made a mistake and that was the reason for the breakup, then maybe you should consider, you know, getting back together. The other question that you probably want to ask is during your time apart, right, have both parties grown or shown some growth on both sides? Because, again, if the breakup wasn't because of a mistake that you made and there were actual issues, what is to say that those issues won't crop up again if there isn't growth on both sides? And one other question that you probably really want to ask is do you have any regrets from breaking up with that person? Because you can be in a situation where you have issues, right, yeah, but at the same time, you can also have regrets about the actual breakup itself. The whole thing with issues is, once you identify them, if you're both willing to put in the work, you can work on getting over those issues. But I think it's a question of whether or not you're willing to put in the work.
Sandy:Yeah, well, I know for me, I'm always introspective, I'm always reanalyzing why I said things that I said and did things that I did. I don't know if other people, it comes as easily to them, but I feel like that's ultimately what you have to do after the breakup. Like, okay, how am I feeling? You know? Is it that I really feel like to your point, I made a mistake, I really miss this person? Like maybe they are my person in? Was I just being you know whatever, or am I actually happy we've yeah broken up, but I could be lonely.
Terrance:So here's what I will say, but be honest, like with yourself.
Terrance:Here's what I will say, and it's all based off that little last bit you did. I would say ask yourself those questions after you've taken some time, right, because immediately when the breakup happens you might be out destroying some stuff, throwing some stuff out, or whatever, or you might be, you know, in a lot of pain because you know you were very close to this person. Take some time, but then ask yourself those questions, because what those answers are going to give you is they're going to give you an indication as to whether or not there's any patterns of behavior that are going to make you believe that this pattern or this cycle is going to actually continue.
Sandy:But you bring up a good point. You definitely can't start asking yourself those questions.
Terrance:I mean you, can you just not. You might not get a good answer.
Sandy:Right, you definitely need to take some time. You know, go burn off some of that frustration and energy and what other feelings you're feeling. Maybe go to like a kickboxing class, you know. But I, you know, I don't even think there's a time limit on it for me. I know I would at least need a day at at minimum to calm down. Well, but you know everybody's like different. It might take a week, it might take a couple of weeks. So I think that's where people need to really give themselves the time.
Terrance:Well, you definitely want to take time because that cycle can actually have an impact on you, right? Relationships are full of emotions and things that can affect you mentally and physically, and you know you need to make sure that you're in the right space during any situation that you are going through. So what type of impact, you know, do you think that being in a relationship that's on again, off again can have on you?
Sandy:For me it would just be exhausting. Well, yeah. Look, I agree with you 100 there, it can be exhausting point one, like I don't know, you know, and it's like, is it even worth? It is, I think, what I'd be asking myself, because I it would just be like, just you know, I don't know, but at the same time you know, when you get into an argument and you make up, you know it can be nice and well.
Terrance:So you said argument yeah, yeah, there was no.
Sandy:I know well because I've never been in the this cyclical type of relationship, but I'm thinking like an argument standpoint. It has to be similar, like it's all new and fresh. Maybe initially you know what I mean.
Terrance:You know what I just? I just thought back and, and, and I'm going to say this, and then I'll get back to how I think this can actually impact you. I was in a situation where I broke up with someone. Uh, it was one of those things where we decided to, to, to split, and then we got back together and it just wasn't the same. And then I was just like I'm done.
Sandy:So different. Like the reverse happened to you, like to me. It's like okay, well, maybe you get back together and you're extra with one another. No, because you know the thing about.
Terrance:it was the situation, the issue, the issues that we had were still there. Yeah, there was no growth, but anyway, I do think that going through that actual cycle can have a big impact on you, depending on who you are, and particularly, let's talk about self-esteem. For a second right. If you're in a situation where someone keeps breaking up with you or you keep breaking up with someone, that can affect your self-esteem because at some point during that continuous cycle you have to ask yourself is it me? And you know when, when you have to ask yourself that there's a confidence issue there, you know you start to wonder okay, well, am I not? Am I am I not worthy? You know is? Is this going to be how all my future relationships are? So I think, from a self-esteem perspective, you know that cycle can be impactful.
Sandy:Oh, for sure. And then the next one would be trust. Like I would start questioning, questioning, like why do we keep breaking up? And like is are they seeking a hall pass? Like is that the only reason? Like what's what's what's going on here? Like why I, like I just can't trust them, like what's the point?
Terrance:well, also, too, you know and you mentioned this, you said it a little different when we're talking about right after, there is a state. You can go into a state of depression when you keep going through these highs and lows, these on and offs again, and there has to be some anxiety in that whole situation. Because you just said this Okay, well, you break up. Is this person doing this to actually get a hall pass? You know, are they going? Are they just doing this so they don't have to cheat on me? And if that's the case, why are they doing this?
Terrance:Again, my self-confidence, my self-esteem, am I not good enough for this person? So I do think that you know there are some impactful issues that can come up when you're in that cycle, but I think I just think that when you're putting yourself through that, you have to ask yourself a lot of questions and basically those questions are to ascertain whether or not this is healthy for you and each person is different, yeah, but again, you need to make sure that, ultimately, you're doing the things that are going to be best for you mentally and physically.
Sandy:Yeah, which is, I'm curious. Everyone that I know that has always well, not always everyone that I know that has taken someone back. Sooner or later it ends anyways. I wonder, you know what the average?
Terrance:time I I think. I think there's two parts of that right. I think the reason for the breakup plays into that right and I think that the so what was I gonna say?
Sandy:the reason, and then how I think the exhaustion level.
Terrance:Well, I think the other part about it is when you get back with someone, are you truly 100% open to taking them back?
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:We talked about. You know, there's some things you can't go without in a relationship communication and trust. And that trust thing is once you break trust, it's hard to get back. Once you break trust, it's hard to get back. And so if you're in a situation where you're lonely or you peer pressure to get back with someone, if you're not truly accepting them, then I don't know how long that's actually going to last. So let me ask you this Are there benefits to being in a relationship or benefits that can come out of being in one of those breakup to make up type of relationships?
Sandy:To be honest, I can't think of any benefit of the existing relationship, but I think it can teach you a good lesson for future relationships.
Terrance:Yeah, I mean, look, past experience provides you with opportunity to gain and use knowledge to build things back stronger, and you don't have to build the relationship that you're actually in stronger, but you can if you use those past experiences and that actual knowledge. So, from that perspective, as long as we use the knowledge that we gain and we have the actual tools to implement processes that are going to make us better, then there can be a benefit. I just don't know if the benefit outweighs the mental and physical. I don't know if it actually outweighs that and in my eyes I don't think that it does. So let's wrap this up.
Terrance:Relationships are rarely simple and the path to love is often filled with twists, turns and unexpected detours. Today we discuss some of the dynamics that contribute to the breakup and make-up cycle, and while the breakup and reconciliation process can be painful and tumultuous, it also presents an opportunity for profound self-discovery and personal development. It challenges us to confront our fears, examine our vulnerabilities and confront the patterns that may be holding us back from true intimacy and connection. Thank you for joining us on this episode of the Lunch with Sandy podcast. Please be sure to follow us and leave feedback on your favorite podcasting app and, as always, stay well.
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