Lunch With Sandy
Welcome to the "Lunch With Sandy" podcast, where we serve up candid conversations seasoned with humor and insight. Join us as we delve into much-needed discussions, sprinkled with our unique sense of humor. On the menu, you'll find a variety of topics, from conflict resolution to navigating tricky questions with grace. We also explore current events, sharing our perspectives on the everyday trials and triumphs. So pull up a chair, grab a plate, and enjoy the feast of conversation.
Lunch With Sandy
The Untold Joys and Challenges of Age-Gap Relationships
Have you ever spotted a couple with a noticeable age gap and found your curiosity piqued? Sandy and I, certainly have, and we're spilling the beans on everything age-gap related on the latest Lunch with Sandy podcast. With an aim to deconstruct the myths and societal judgments that surround age-disparate relationships, our conversation navigates through personal anecdotes, the impact of financial disparities, and the importance of mutual respect and understanding.
This episode isn't just about the challenges; it's also about the unexpected joys and learning experiences that such partnerships bring. From the rich tapestry of knowledge an older partner offers, to the fresh perspectives and vitality of a younger one, we explore how these relationships are as multifaceted as they are scrutinized. Join us as we candidly share how differing life stages can influence aspirations and responsibilities, and why recognizing the value of communication is a cornerstone for bridging any gap—age-related or otherwise.
As we wrap up, Sandy and I reflect on the core essence of relationships with significant age differences—love. We celebrate the diversity of experience and the depth of connection that transcends the years. So, whether you're in an age-gap relationship, know someone who is, or are simply fascinated by the dynamics at play, this episode offers a heart-to-heart on finding common ground amidst the unique complexities. Remember, tune into the Lunch with Sandy podcast for insights that just might cast your own relationships in a new light.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best policy? How do you balance what you want versus what you need, and is there something you need to say to your spouse but can't find the right way to say it? If so, then you're in the right place. This is the Lunch with Sandy podcast. With nearly 20 years of marriage under their belts, terrence and Sandy Jackson discuss a range of topics, provide valuable insights on relationships and talk about the conversations married couples need to have. So what does lunch have to do with all of this? Well, it's a metaphor for how these conversations originally started. Speaking of conversations, let's get one going. Here's your hosts, terrence and Sandy.
Terrance:Welcome to another episode of the Lunch with Sandy podcast, where we delve into different topics and offer insight from the perspective of a married couple. I'm Terrence.
Sandy:And I'm Sandy.
Terrance:And today we're going to be discussing the topic of age difference in a relationship. But before we get into that, please remember to follow the Lunch with Sandy podcast on your favorite podcasting app. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at Lunch with Sandy. Also, Sandy, I don't know if you've noticed this, but I've set up the YouTube channel that's YouTube at Lunch with Sandy dot com, where you can also listen to all of the episodes we have recorded so far. Now let's get into Sandy, sitting across me with this blanket, like she is a old lady. How are you feeling today?
Sandy:Sandy Good. However, I was taking Jax for a walk and it decided to rain, so yes, I'm a little chilly and wet.
Terrance:This is why you got your buddy, alexa. You got to ask her, alexa, when is the rain coming?
Sandy:The sun was out when I left. I really didn't think I had to worry about the rain.
Terrance:You know this New England weather, you never know what you're going to get, which I'm kind of concerned because you know, tomorrow I got to fly out to DC.
Sandy:I was going to say because we had an earthquake yesterday no, that was not.
Terrance:I didn't feel anything. I know that. Um, who was it? I think court texted us because he said he felt it. He said y'all feel that, like what he was like earthquake. Dave said he felt it, but a lot of people didn't feel it.
Sandy:I don't think I did.
Terrance:But that's not why I'm concerned when I go to DC. You know, when I go to DC there's always something.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:And it's never really, although one time it was a problem getting there, Typically. Well, you know what? I can't say? That there's always something. It is both.
Sandy:It is both.
Terrance:It is both Getting there and getting back. Yeah, it is both. Last time when I came back, my flight was delayed like an hour and a half, and I'm hoping that that doesn't happen this time around. But I do believe you have Danielle on standby, yep, and she's going to pick her up on Thursday because Thursday, yep, all right. So, oh, did you ever answer the question? Oh yeah, that's right. You sitting over there with the blanket, all right? So I'm a little off because I'm tired. We party until dawn last night and you know what happens when you stay up late. I still wake up at four in the morning to do this stuff and I say I probably nap for maybe 15 minutes today.
Sandy:We're definitely not in our 20s anymore, where we can just power through.
Terrance:Well, you know I'm doing pretty good for as late as I went to bed last night.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:Yeah, you're doing pretty good I'm. You know I'm vintage. Yep, they didn't put me back in the box in time, so, speaking of vintage, Then again, though Ayla is sleeping right now.
Sandy:Yeah, I know.
Terrance:Them young bucks. They can't hang. They can't hang, not yet. So today I wanted to talk about age and specifically, I want to talk about a situation where there is a large gap in the age difference between two people in a relationship. There is a large gap in the age difference between two people in a relationship. I'm trying to remember where I was, but I think it was, and this is very odd for me. I think it was the mall and I saw these two people, and there are some times where you can see two people and instantly know that they're in a relationship.
Terrance:But what stood out was there was a clear indication of a large you know age gap between the two of them, and I think large is defined differently by different people and I know in some cases there can be a large age gap and you don't see it.
Sandy:But when I Somebody's vintage and somebody's not.
Terrance:Well, you know those vintage people.
Terrance:And you know the other thing. You know what they say. You know what I'm going to say Black, don't crack. So sometimes you really can't tell. But when I say a large age gap, I'm talking about 10 years or more, because people may not notice this when they see us or when they hear us. I am older than you only by three years, but still I'm older than you. So I wanted to have three and a half, and three and a half Nobody counts halves.
Terrance:I wanted to have a conversation about the age gap or a large age gap, and I wanted to look at it from a number of perspectives. But the first thing I wanted to talk about is, you know, when? I know, when I saw that couple right away in my mind and it was unconscious it was like wow, look at that couple. And the reason why I said wow, look at that couple was because it was a clear age difference between the two. And you start asking yourself all these questions and I'm not proud of it, but you know it happens. So when you see a couple with a large age difference, do you have any thoughts that immediately pop in your head?
Sandy:Well, I try not to judge, but I'm not perfect.
Terrance:Well, we all know that. Listen, let me tell you something. I think you judged me when you came to the bottom of those stairs. I'm not sure what that one meant but that was me saying that you say you're not one to judge. But I think sometimes you're not one to judge outside, but the looks that you actually give say a lot. You were judging me yesterday when I was talking about moving that sewing machine. You don't want me to get into my rant.
Sandy:No, let's not, let's spare everybody.
Terrance:Back to the topic.
Sandy:But at the same time, I think my initial thought would probably be like Hmm, that's interesting.
Terrance:Listen, you know what it's. Hmm, that's interesting, man. I wonder if, depending on and typically so, I haven't seen a lot of situations personally and I know they're out there I haven't run across a situation where it was a clear indication that the woman was older than the man. And I think that, depending on where you are, yep one may be accepted more than the other, but I always go to. What's he doing?
Sandy:he must got a lot of money so you're just putting like your own preconceived notions oh, 100 of why they're together.
Terrance:And the thing about it is, like I said, I'm not proud about it, but those things, immediately, you know, run through your head and I think part of it is because we have to ask ourselves, particularly in to dictate that if you're in a situation where you are in a relationship and you're the elder statesman, I'll use that term there must be some reason why it is other than the fact that two people love each other right?
Sandy:well, yeah, because I was going to say that's probably. My next thought is like, depending on who's older, especially at this point in my life, I think, oh, good for them. Well, yeah, like you know what.
Terrance:So, so I think it's funny, right, so right like they can pull that good for them it's. It's funny that you say that, because I think now at this stage in our lives. That's what we say. But when we're younger you'll be, like what's what's he?
Sandy:her sugar daddy like what's the rationale? Was she a gold digger?
Terrance:there's all these negative connotations that, yeah, immediately pop in our head and it's not something that should happen, but it does happen yeah and I guess the question that we have to ask ourselves is why does society look at that in such a negative way? And I think it's different, based on you know, the older one well, not just who's the older one. I think that's a part of it. I think it's based on the generation that's doing the looking.
Terrance:I think it's based on the cultural Excuse me. I think it's based on the culture, right? So I know that when we start talking again, I'm vintage, but I'm going to say this. You start to have some of these conversations and you start to show your age. This you start to have some of these conversations and you start to show your age, but I know that, if let me rephrase it uh-huh.
Terrance:We have three daughters. One's not of dating age and the other two are dating. But let me ask you this if Lexi came home and she brought a man who was 10 to 15 to 20 years older than her and said hey, mom and dad, this is my other half, I'm in love with this person, what would be your reaction?
Sandy:I have no idea.
Terrance:But that's saying a lot right.
Sandy:Yeah, I think one. I admire the fact that she's not shallow, because I admire the fact that she's not like me um, because you know there's got to be, unless you know. The person looks phenomenal for their age you, you know what I mean. There's definitely going to be. You know things that you know. Somebody else might not. I don't even know how to phrase it, but you know you might have cracks you might have this you might have.
Sandy:that Might bring extra baggage with them. But you know, I think this is too where society and the norms kind of play, and I'm probably going to fall into that with if it's the female that is younger, it's not, I think, as impactful as the reverse.
Terrance:I disagree yeah and well, part of it has to do with the fact that I'm a father. But when you think of it from this perspective, when you say it's the female, if it's the females younger, it's less impactful. Consider this, and I'm trying not to get too far into what we're going to be discussing in just one second but if the female is younger, that means the male more likely than not and this is not the case in all cases is more established. That's the case by definition, or the possibility exists that the female is dependent in some way, shape or form, and that might not be independent, I guess, is the wrong word to use. But when you have that situation where the male is older and it's my daughter- Well, yeah, you're going to have a problem with it.
Terrance:It's not so much that I'd have a problem with that there would be a concern because, again, I just want to make sure that, from the perspective of you know how I talk about you know my daughter's being self-sufficient, self-reliant, that it's not a situation where they're relying on someone based off where they are in their stage of life, and when I mean the older person.
Sandy:Right. So that is probably so. When I think impactful, I'm probably thinking more of, like financially, just the different stages of life, which we'll kind of get into later. But at the same time it would still make me wonder why. At the same time it would still make me wonder why and I feel like that's with any situation because when there's that many years of a difference, there's usually a maturity level that goes along with said years.
Terrance:In some cases yeah.
Sandy:In some cases, you know I would say most, but you know I could be wrong and it makes me wonder, like, okay, if this guy's like in his 40s, right Like what does he see in dating a 20-year-old that he's finding that this is the right choice for him?
Terrance:Yeah, and I don't think that you would be alone in having those questions. So let's talk about this before we start getting to these other things. Society seems to be in the same area when we talk about those questions. So let me ask this question and we'll try to answer it. How do, as a society, how do you see well, not even as a society, as someone who might be in that situation how do you see past what others think? If you're in a relationship that has that large gap and I think that the question that you asked of yourself what does he see in her is, I guess, something that, if you're in that relationship and it's not that you have to answer to anyone else, but that might be a question that you have to answer to anyone else.
Terrance:But that might be a question that you have to answer to yourself, because now, if you're in a situation where those outs and you could be in a situation where those outside factors don't affect you at all, right right, but nine times out of ten. Some of that outside, some of those outside questions, are probably coming from people who are close to you, and so it's not that you so much are concerned with how they feel, but if you're close to them, you may want them to understand what it is that you both have.
Sandy:Right. Well, needless to say, I think people these days, days and probably back in the day, they're too damn judgy anyways to begin with. That's true and I know that I well I try not to be. Like I said, I'm not perfect. We're all human. So I uh, if it's two strangers to me, it's like whatever you do you. But if it's my daughter, it's a little bit of a difference and I probably do fall into more of the societal norms like and it's like right, I'd be asking kind of the same questions.
Sandy:Like you know, is he shallow, is that why, he's looking to be in a relationship with a 20 year old because yeah, and, and before is he having a midlife crisis like what's going on, you know there's again a lot of questions, right?
Terrance:so is, is this a situation where he wants someone who is younger than him, so you know he can be in a dominant role, or does he want to have some sort of power over over? Um, you know the the, this young woman? But let me get to. Let me get to what I would if I put myself in those shoes, what I would want or what I would say to those individuals who are close to me. First and foremost, I would have to define what it is that we actually have and why I'm in the situation that I'm in, why I feel for this person the way I feel for them.
Terrance:Now, granted, you can't make anyone see what you see, but if you can provide them with insight as to how this person is with you, how this person makes you feel what this person does for you, right, then you've done what you can to show them that what you have is real. If it's real and I'm not saying that it's not, I'm not saying that it is what I'm saying is, when those questions come, you have to start thinking about how you're going to answer them. Not that you have to answer them, but again, we're talking about those individuals who might be close to you and who you may value their opinion and they may not understand what it is that you have. So you may want to actually shed some light on what it is you have to them.
Terrance:Yeah, yeah yeah, that's interesting conversation over dinner yeah, so like, so tell me, I feel like you know it's not a counseling session, so let me ask, let me ask you this how you feel I'm gonna put you on the spot and and then know we'll move on to the next section of this. If you came home and let's say you're 20, 25. Okay.
Terrance:If you came home with someone who was twice your age and that's a large gap, I'm going twice your age because, again, sometimes when someone is 10 years older than you, people might not be able to tell. Sometimes they can Twice your age. Do you think your parents would question it? I'm going to answer that for you.
Sandy:Go ahead and answer it, because I really don't know Twice your age?
Terrance:I think that they might, and I'm not saying that you know they're going to grill you, but you have to know when you walk in the door there are going to be some questions, yeah, and what I'm saying is, if you can alleviate any concerns or answer those questions, then they may go away.
Sandy:Yeah, well, yeah, I was going to say I think there's going to be a lot of questions.
Terrance:Yeah.
Sandy:Yeah, right, like. It's just natural, based on what, at the age of 25, you're expecting out of life, and then what that 50-year-old is expecting out of life, right yeah, is expecting out of life right, like, is it really on the same page, or are you together for specific reasons and not thinking about the end game of what can happen in the future?
Terrance:Yeah, and I mean I guess that's part of the reason why you know some people will question it. So let's do this. Let's let's talk about the financial side of a relationship that has that large gap. For a second. You know, again, depending on where each individual is, there's the possibility that that gap can impact a relationship from a financial perspective. And I say that because you know, you mentioned earlier that if a situation, if it's a situation where one person is obviously older than the other person, chances are that they've had more experience, they've had more time to actually be out in the workforce and maybe amass more finances than their younger counterpart, right? Yeah.
Terrance:So that could be a situation where you have a relationship. Well, there's an imbalance, because now more of the financial responsibility can fall on one person as opposed to the other person.
Sandy:Yeah, Although in the separate situation. Well, the opposite situation can also happen that the older person took forever to grow up in life, that's true, and maybe still hasn't and, you know, doesn't want to put any effort, and maybe the younger one has like a fantastic career and is rigging in the money.
Terrance:I mean that definitely is a possibility, but I think you still end up in the same place, right? You have one person who probably bears more of the financial responsibility. If that is the case Again, that might not be the case you might bring finances equally to the relationship, but those are things that you actually have to take into account, because it might not be the case. And if it's not the case, does that create an imbalance in power within the relationship?
Sandy:I think anytime that there is a gap in anything, and if it's a financial gap, gap as well as an age gap, I think it's going to potentially impact and bring an imbalance. I think it really depends on how the people in the relationship see it and if the person who is coming with the finances feels like, yeah, that they own the other person because they're bringing the money?
Terrance:Did you just say own the other person? I did. What generation are you talking about?
Sandy:Like that, but do you know what I mean? Like that they have more power in the relationship and what they say goes. Because you know, because oftentimes you know money is the root of all evil. Right, and people feel like, just because they have money, that it gives them special, I don't know. Like, it makes them special in some way, you know.
Terrance:I'm going to stay away from the term special, but I hear what you're saying.
Terrance:They feel that because Empowered.
Terrance:Exactly, you know the power lies in what they're able to do from a financial perspective. So, knowing that those are potential issues, there are some considerations that you know, if you're in that type of relationship, that you have to actually take into account. And I think you talked about this a second ago when you were starting to say as long as those two individuals you know have an understanding, I think if you come into a relationship where there is a large gap between the two of you and you're not on the same realm from a financial perspective, I think that number one understanding that there are other contributions to every relationship that are outside of finances, that can't be measured by finances, and understanding what those are, will put you in a position where you don't feel, or you don't have to feel, like you're a burden if you're not on the same page financially. And then the other part of that is and you know we this is a mainstay of everything we talk about is communication. You have to be able to communicate in any relationship that you're in. Yep.
Terrance:But in a situation where you're coming into something and it might not be balanced, that communication is going to be very key. You know, they say all the time that you know and we fall victim to this too relationships are 50-50. Well, that's not always the case. Sometimes it ebbs and flows. Sometimes you might only be able to give 30% and I got to put that 70% in for that day, and it might be vice versa. So you know, being able to communicate and have those conversations and understand that, okay, well, listen, you might be bringing more to the bank, but I have contributions that are a part of this, that make us whole yep and I think that's key well, yeah, I'll communicate this right now.
Sandy:I'm more than happy to have an imbalance in our relationship financially.
Terrance:It's not going to happen and I'll just stay home. Then you'll wake up, all right. So you mentioned something earlier when we started talking about this and started talking about the maturity piece. And it's not so much that I'm going to talk about the maturity piece, but let's talk about when you know that gap exists. Clearly, those two people might be at different stages in their lives.
Sandy:I feel like that's the biggest impact in age difference.
Terrance:Yeah, because you know what Everyone has goals they have. You know priorities and perspectives and I think that where you are in life can have an impact on what those are and what you see as an actual priority. So I guess the question becomes in a relationship where there is a large gap, how do you reconcile between what you deem as aspirations and priorities based on where you are, as opposed to your partner, who might be in a different place?
Sandy:Well, yeah, I feel like there's so many open questions. This is, I think, where it's the most impactful. To be honest, it's not just age is just a number type situation, but age is a number and it can impact. You Like, does everybody want kids? The person in their twenties could still want kids and the person in their forties are like, nah, I'm good.
Terrance:You know, I love how you threw a number on there. I'm going to stick out.
Sandy:Well, I'm bringing back the like example, because you know she's in her twenties.
Terrance:What I will say is this I'm going to. I'm going to look at it from the perspective of of stages in life, right? So yeah, you're right, you might be in a situation where you want to start a family and your partner. I'm too old for that.
Terrance:Might be, might be at a stage where they're done with kids, but I think the important part of that is you have to know what you're getting into. You have to be able to have again going back to communication. You have to be able to have these conversations, because if you don't have these conversations and you don't know what you're getting into, yeah, that relationship is doomed from the start.
Terrance:Think about it when you're at that stage where you're ready to get into a relationship.
Terrance:Right away, your mind starts planning. You start planning what are you going to do for the next year, two years, five years, ten years? Right, and depending on where you are, you know, five, 10 years can be a lot, and so, if you don't have those conversations about, I want to have kids, this is what I want to do from a career perspective. Now, keep this in mind when you talk about different stages in life. As a part of that, potentially, there's different stages in your career, and so you might be in a situation where, okay, one partner is I want to start a family, but the other partner is listen, I'm ready to travel.
Sandy:Yeah. Or even, like you said, career, like I'm ready to travel, and the other one's like no, I'm ready to really buckle down in my career. You know what I mean. I can't be taking all this time off.
Terrance:Yeah, so you know, one of the things that has to be considered is how do you navigate those life changes and find common ground if you're at different stages in your life?
Sandy:Yeah, that's a good question, but I'll even give one other scenario which is top of mind to me, right, like, especially if the girl is younger. I'm going gonna take a dark real, real quick. Is that, you know, mortality rates? The men are usually the rates are lower go killing people off, you know. So does this mean like you know what I mean the likelihood of said person and especially if you're starting a family, you know what I mean. Like that's a lot to think about.
Sandy:It is and so being left to raise the kids on their own, you know could happen. I know that can happen to anybody, obviously, but it's a more realistic scenario depending on that age gap.
Terrance:Yeah, so we did an episode. God, I don't know how many episodes back, but we started. It had to do with having those difficult conversations, and this is no different.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:And actually, when you're in a situation where there's that large gap, regardless of whether or not it's the male or the female, you need to have that conversation. Yeah.
Terrance:Because, again, we're not all here forever. You know what I mean. There is a life expectancy and at some point we all go back to dust, as they say. So you have to have those conversations because, again, you have to be on the same page if you want it to actually work, have to be on the same page if you want it to actually work. Again, being at a different stage in life between a relationship like that is a challenge because, on the one hand, if you are just for lack of a better term starting your life right, and, on the other hand, someone is in their prime of their lives. Again, those priorities might be different. Yeah.
Terrance:And without having those conversations, it's going to be difficult to find common ground and I can't say, okay, well, if you do this, this will happen, or if you do that, that'll happen, but you have to have those. But you have to have those conversations. You have to talk about the fact that, hey, listen, we ain't going to be here forever. Yeah, understand, I want to start a family. You have to talk about the fact that, hey, listen, we ain't going to be here forever. Understand, I want to start a family. I may want to travel. How do we take those things and come to a common ground? I think the only way to actually do that is to have those conversations, those difficult conversations.
Sandy:Yeah, well, and as a parent, that's kind of the, I think, my role in it. Like, have you had these conversations? Have you thought about this or that you know, and have you spoken about it? Because if you haven't, you better get on it so I'm off.
Terrance:I'm gonna flip this just for a second because I think again, the perception is different based on whether or not the male or the female is the actual older party. And I think, for the most part, when people start thinking about it, if you just say, oh well, these, there's a large age gap between this couple, I think for the most part people automatically think that it's the male who's older. Yeah. Let's flip it. Uh-huh. Let's say Lexi is in her, so Lexi is. She's 27 right now. Mm-hmm.
Terrance:Let's say she comes home with a 17-year-old and she's not because she's with. Nate. They just moved in what I'm saying.
Sandy:No, you got to make them at least adults 18.
Terrance:21. She's least adult 18, 21, let's say let's. She's 50, let's, let's.
Terrance:Well, let's 21 let's move forward in time. Let's say Lexi is 50.
Terrance:He can be not 50. Let's say Lexi. I'm not gonna age her out that quick. Let's say Lexi is 32 35 okay and she gets in a relationship with a 20-year-old, we'll give him 21. He's 21. He can legally drink. Does your perception or your concern change? I know mine does.
Terrance:That's interesting that you're not, so I'm curious as to what your perception is Again my whole thing is and this is the first time that I'm saying this on this podcast, but you know, I have this concept of the Queen's Jack the fact that all women are queens, right, particularly in my daughters. And in those situations, you know, the Jack is that individual who, when necessary, plays that role of an ally, when necessary plays that role of an ally. So the mindset of that queen, or those queens, is self-reliant, self-confident. You know what I mean, self-aware. So I raise queens. She's all of that right. This 21-year-old snot-nosed kid I don't know what he is, you know what I mean Is he trying to ride on their coattails?
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:Now some people might look at it. His parents might look at it and say, oh, look at that cougar trying to take advantage of my I think that when the woman is older, it has a worse connotation.
Sandy:So you think?
Terrance:the male is more acceptable.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:I think in a lot of places I think that and when I say a lot of places, I don't think I'm not even talking about, you know, the US, the Western countries I think in a lot of places it's more acceptable, and when I I don't want to use the term acceptable, I'll say socially. Yeah. People have an easier time accepting it when it's a male, depending on how old, like if you're 75 and you're with a 20-year-old, eh, but then again, who am I to judge?
Sandy:Well, yeah, it's like, okay, it's that 20-year-old looking for the finances Gold digger, yeah so. But you know, I think, right, it's kind of like they look at the woman like how can she be so immature to want to be with like a 21 year old? You know. Yeah. It's probably one question that people are going to think. They're going to think yes, she's some kind of like cougar, so what's she doing?
Terrance:for him and I think, depending on the gap, it changes, right? So you said cougar. Yeah him and I think, depending on the, the gap, it changes, right? So you said cougar. Yeah, let's say, for instance, the woman is 60 and the man is 30 it changes because they're not looking at her as a cougar and probably looking at him as I'm a gigolo everywhere I go. You know what I mean right and well, you know.
Sandy:and then some of it just comes down to human bodies, and I think this is where the kids question comes in more, you know, like can she have children and he wants children? You know what I mean. And if she can't, are they okay with adopting or using a surrogate? Those are all kinds of questions that need to take place, and I think that's where I say it's most impactful, because it's not just a decision I want kids, I don't want kids. There's also a physical element of being able to.
Terrance:Yeah, so here's the reason why I don't touch that. Right, I don't touch that because that's a conversation that they need to have.
Sandy:Yeah, you get what I'm saying. No, and I think, but I think that's why it's seen worse for an older woman and a younger man. Well, I mean worse for an older woman and a younger man. Well, I mean, maybe that older woman already has kids? No, but I'm talking about from the perspective of, like the 20 year old. So if I'm the parent, you know, is she gonna be able to give you the kids you want? Like you know what I mean like those are all the questions.
Sandy:You know we've seen plenty of tv shows where that's always the main concern of the mother. But you know what that's?
Terrance:a that's always the main concern of the mother, but you know what. That's a different topic, because you know what Parents need to mind their damn business. Stop trying to live vicariously through your kids. So when we use our kids-.
Sandy:Well, I think they're thinking of it from a grandkid perspective.
Terrance:Like.
Sandy:I want grandkids.
Terrance:Get them a pet. You got a grandson right there, but from you know. So we're using our kids as an example and my concern is never about. It's never about grandkids or whether or not, because you know that's their choice, their body, their choice. It's more about okay, well, are you trying to take advantage of my daughter? Right? Are you the best person for my daughter?
Sandy:Is she going through a midlife crisis? And you're just latching on to yeah, I mean.
Terrance:So those are the type of questions as a, as a, as a parent, that I would actually have in my, in my mind. Yeah, um, and I think you know it's always first impression, right, when we react to what we see first, before we even get to know the people. Yeah, and I think that's the biggest problem with society when they see it, everyone has a comment, everyone has a reaction, everyone has their opinions and their thoughts, without knowing, you know, what's behind what they're actually seeing.
Sandy:Well, yeah, everybody's going to automatically think of some stereotype.
Announcer:And that's what they're going to label.
Sandy:And that's how they're gonna how much you can go everywhere and that's how they're gonna label the relationship when they first see it. Yeah, people walk in a room.
Terrance:That's what tends to what happens, you know so let's move in a different direction right now. Are there benefits to being in a relationship where there's a large age gap?
Sandy:I don't know.
Terrance:Listen, I think that there are some.
Sandy:Well, I think to the point where, if you're looking for somebody established and you go older, I think the likelihood of you being able to find that is there and that is a benefit.
Terrance:Yeah, everyone likes what they like, but I'm gonna go a bit deeper than that. Okay.
Terrance:So when you have two people who are that far apart, their perspective is different, and I think that's a benefit, and what I mean by that is there are everyday situations that we come across and when you have two different perspectives, you have two different views, and as long as you listen to each other, those views can help shape what it is that you need to do, want to do or can do, because now it's not just all those individuals who are around the same age who may see things through the same lens and may not have that perspective. You have that now and I think that can be a benefit.
Sandy:Definitely and taking out of your element. Like maybe when you were younger there was a bunch of things that you did not do, and now that you're older and you're with somebody younger, maybe now you're doing them.
Terrance:And you know what that's called Experience. Yeah. People have different experiences. Yep, you may not have experienced something for whatever reason. Maybe you never thought about it, maybe you didn't want to do it, or whether or maybe you had a just a uncomfortable view on something just different stage of my life, and now this person is making it a priority.
Terrance:Well, I mean, you know, and it might not necessarily be a priority, it might be something that they've experienced and now they can say hey, listen, I've been through this and here's what I've learned from that. When you're in a relationship that is at two opposite I don't want to say two opposite ends of the spectrum, but there's that gap there it provides an opportunity to learn and grow, and you learn and grow based off dealing with someone with a different perspective and being in a situation where your partner has different experiences from yours. And it's an opportunity. I'll rephrase it you have the opportunity to learn and grow Because, again, just because the opportunity is there doesn't mean you're going to take advantage of it, but I do think that that's actually a benefit.
Terrance:The other thing that I said, and I think the other thing that I will say and I think that you hit on this a little bit is, when you have a different background, that different background can be used to. That different background can be used to support one another. We all have different things that we've gone through that shape us. Yeah.
Terrance:And when you have that experience, sometimes it provides you with the ability to better support those who may not have had those experiences Again, because you've actually been through something that they may not have. So I think it's all based off how you look at things, and I think a big part of it, too, is it's based off. None of this is a benefit unless you two actually are together and are working towards the same goal, because I think everything is a work in progress, whether you're the same age, 10 years apart, 20 years apart. The only way it's going to work is if it's actually a work in progress.
Sandy:Yeah, well, no, you're right. And because you can have all different opinions and still be the same age, you know you can be all over the place. See, I think, at the end of the day, more people should date with bigger age gaps, and then we wouldn't even think twice about it.
Terrance:Well, so there are some challenges and the one thing I mean the way that you phraseased that, I mean we might die off as a race. Because now, if you start talking about from a biological perspective, and where you are, we're probably overpopulated anyway. Well, listen, you know Again, so sticking, she always finds a way to go dark.
Sandy:What you think being overpopulated.
Terrance:Well, when I say when I say that as a, as a you know as a a race of beings, you know, if we continue to have the gap, we may, if, if everyone does it, we may die off, because there are going to be certain situations where you know there's going to be challenges reproducing and if you can't reproduce then the race doesn't live on. So that's what I'm saying.
Sandy:I'm saying everybody, but you know more.
Terrance:All right, so let's talk about some chat. We talked about there's some benefits, but there are definitely some challenges. And it's not that you can't walk. There are definitely some challenges. And it's not that you can't work through these challenges. But once you have an understanding of what they are, then you can work towards actually working to get through them. And I'm going to tell you what I think is.
Sandy:So I laugh because I already have a scenario in my mind.
Terrance:I'm going to tell you what the biggest challenge is going to be, and that's communication. And the reason why I say communication, it's not that you can't sit down and have a conversation, and the reason why I say communication. It's not that you can't sit down and have a conversation. It's that when you have a large age gap, you can be having a conversation, and the words that you're using mean two completely different things.
Sandy:Oh, very true.
Terrance:You know what I mean.
Sandy:That's so true. You know everyone has. We deal with that with our own children.
Terrance:Yeah, everyone has their. It's funny because so at work on Friday Amanda's oldest daughter, adeline, came in and Adeline is 13. She's going to be 14, I think, in two months, so she's around the same age as Ayla, and obviously I've known Adeline since she was young. I know all Amanda's kids. And she's walking down the hallway and she has pit vipers on. I said, are those pit vipers? And she says yep, and Amanda says Terrence, how do you know what those are? And Adeline goes because he's cool. And then so she's like, oh, I'm cool. She's like no, she goes.
Terrance:Well, you know, what are your friends? What do your friends think? What's that word? What's that word? She was like a vibe, and of course I know what a vibe is because I'm closer to the culture. And she's like, oh yeah, don't your friends think I'm a vibe? She said no, they think dad's a vibe, they think that you're scary. So I mean, you know, this is a daughter and mother communicating and it's clear that there's some language that's used that the mother doesn't know. And again, when you have that age gap, just the way that people communicate is different. And I'm not even just talking about the language. I think sometimes too, the tone. The tone right, the way you express yourselves. I mean, think about it from this perspective. A lot of young people don't communicate using their voice yeah and so I think that well, yeah, even anal is like.
Sandy:You don't have to be so rude about it. I said I just answered your question. How is that being rude about it?
Terrance:Because when you know, when they communicate, there's no tone. There's no inflection, exactly, and so when you do that, it's like oh goodness, and I think the challenge with that is understanding that there might be a misunderstanding that is nothing more than a misunderstanding.
Sandy:Than a choice of words.
Terrance:Yeah.
Sandy:Or it can be misconstrued. So the scenario I have in my mind, which I think is one of the challenges, is judgy people and how, when you're out in public, people are going to react to me. It's like oh, is this your father? Oh yeah, that was not a challenge that I thought about, but you know and they're like having to explain no, this is my significant other, my spouse, whoever it is.
Sandy:And then you have the people's dumbfounded reaction being like oh, and then they walk away probably because they have nothing else to say that can definitely be a challenge.
Terrance:That can definitely be a challenge. And I think another challenge is based on what time period you were born in. I'm saying time period like we're going back in time, but you got to think about it from this perspective. If you have a 10-year difference between you and your significant other, that means you've been on this planet for 10 years longer than them. That means that during that first 10 years there are different values that you have picked up.
Terrance:Yeah, they might not know what Saturday morning cartoons is Well if they don't know what Saturday morning cartoons is, you got to kick them to the curb. I don't even know if Saturday morning cartoons well you know what Saturday morning cartoons is not really a thing anymore. I know Because you can watch cartoons all the time.
Sandy:They're so accessible.
Terrance:That's aging ourselves, but the thing about it is you know that's a generational difference because your values are going to be different, and that's not to say that you know from generation to generation some values, don't you know translate or you know follow or move through the generations. But there are going to be some differences there and that's going to be a challenge and that's going to be a challenge.
Sandy:Well, I think even not even that first social setting. But like a friendly social setting you could be conversating on a topic and the other person has no idea cannot relate to what that topic of conversation is. Say, one of us was dating somebody younger and we're talking to our friends about how awesome it was in our childhood to get up and watch Saturday morning cartoons. This person's going to be excluded from the conversation. They're not going to have any idea of what that scenario is, what it felt like you know, and so then you kind of have like those weird imbalances too right, or they're gonna look at you and say what are y'all talking about?
Terrance:right, you can watch cartoons any day of the week exactly.
Sandy:But you know, we all know the. For those of us who grew up during that time, like how great it was the euphoria of waking up on a saturday morning to watch cartoons and they're gonna have like no clue, yeah, no clue so you know they're gonna be a bunch of challenges, but I always say a challenge is just an opportunity that you can take advantage of. So how do you? You force them like you can't watch that show until Saturday morning and you're going to see what it feels like.
Terrance:You see what happened. I was transitioning into this next question and you just tried to throw it off, so I'm going to repeat this and maybe what you said will or will not make it in the final edit of this. So one way to overcome those challenges is to look at them as opportunities. And when you look at things as an opportunity, now you're in the driver's seat and you can actually work towards putting yourself in a position where those challenges are opportunities. And I think one way to do that is and this was mentioned earlier you got to actually listen and learn from one another.
Terrance:You know everyone has their unique experiences and from their experience they have a certain level of actual wisdom. And that doesn't mean that the older person is the wiser person. That person's experiences are different, so their knowledge is different. That younger person's experiences are different, so their knowledge is different. And if you take those and combine them and learn from one another, then that puts you in a better situation to deal with those challenges. You know you were talking about how, when you know you might be out and someone might be asking the question of whether or not this is your father. Now, you can play that a couple of ways, but if you have conversations about those things, you get together and understand that these are some of the challenges we may face. Depending on who you are, you might say, yeah, that's my daddy, you know what I mean. Or you might come up with some other way to actually answer those questions. Have fun with it Exactly.
Sandy:Exactly.
Terrance:There are ways that you can work around dealing with some of those challenges, and we mentioned earlier that each person has a different perspective. Again, listening and understanding those different perspectives, having those conversations, will put you in a better position to actually take advantage of those opportunities that would present themselves as actual challenges.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:You're going back to the daddy thing, aren't you Stuck in your head?
Sandy:What's stuck in my head now is you saying, yeah, that's my daddy, that's what I mean.
Terrance:Yeah, yeah that's my daddy. That's what I mean. Yeah, so I think, ultimately, when it comes down to any relationship, particularly in a relationship where there's a large gap, communication is going to be the key, understanding that you know people's views are going to be their views and you have a choice on whether or not you allow those views to affect you. But when it comes to you know you being in that relationship and you being part of, we'll say, a smaller society when I say a smaller society, I'm talking about those people who are close to you you're going to want to have conversations on how you're going to deal with those actual interactions and I think that if you do that, I think that you're in a situation where you can strengthen and grow your relationship and that bond that you actually have.
Terrance:Now. Let's wrap this up. Today we discussed the social views, financial considerations in the varied stages of life. One may be in pertaining to relationships with large age gaps, and, while these relationships may be met with skepticism or curiosity, what truly matters is the connection between individuals, transcending the years that separate them, that love knows no bounds and that every relationship, regardless of age difference, is a testament to the capacity for understanding and growth, along with companionship. Thank you for joining the Lunch with Sandy podcast. Please be sure to follow us and leave feedback on your favorite podcasting app, as well as social media.
Announcer:Until next time, stay well. That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with Sandy podcast. Thanks for listening. We'd love to hear your feedback and comments on Instagram, TikTok and Twitter at Lunch with Sandy, and be sure to follow us on your favorite podcast app. If you enjoyed the show, don't forget to rate and review us. Thanks again for listening to the Lunch with Sandy podcast.
