Lunch With Sandy
Welcome to the "Lunch With Sandy" podcast, where we serve up candid conversations seasoned with humor and insight. Join us as we delve into much-needed discussions, sprinkled with our unique sense of humor. On the menu, you'll find a variety of topics, from conflict resolution to navigating tricky questions with grace. We also explore current events, sharing our perspectives on the everyday trials and triumphs. So pull up a chair, grab a plate, and enjoy the feast of conversation.
Lunch With Sandy
Falling for the Person vs Their Potential
Have you ever found yourself swooning over what someone could be, rather than embracing who they are right now? Join Terrance and Sandy as we unpack the intricacies of love, peeking into the delicate balance between nurturing a partner's potential and cherishing their true self. Over a lighthearted lunch, we swap tales about our own relationship journey and upcoming vacation plans, only to find ourselves wading into the deeper waters of romantic expectations. We'll share a laugh over the "Gold Digger" song, but don't be fooled, this episode is about the stark realities of love and personal growth within partnerships, seasoned with our nearly two decades of marital wisdom.
This heart-to-heart isn't just for those with rings on their fingers; whether you're single, dating, or knee-deep in commitment, we're addressing the challenges you face in the quest for a fulfilling relationship. We dissect societal pressures, the dangers of unrealistic expectations, and the temptation to fall for potential rather than reality. Dive into our candid conversation as we confront the illusions of perfection and the art of wise, wholehearted loving. You'll walk away with insights into the true art of partnership—appreciating the present, while holding space for growth, together.
In a relationship, when is honesty not the best policy? How do you balance what you want versus what you need, and is there something you need to say to your spouse but can't find the right way to say it? If so, then you're in the right place. This is the Lunch with Sandy podcast. With nearly 20 years of marriage under their belts, Terrance and Sandy Jackson discuss a range of topics, provide valuable insights on relationships and talk about the conversations married couples need to have. So what does lunch have to do with all of this? Well, it's a metaphor for how these conversations originally started. Speaking of conversations, let's get one going. Here's your hosts, Terrance and Sandy.
Terrance:Welcome to the Lunch with Sandy podcast, where we discuss a number of different topics and provide perspective from two people who've been married for a very, very long time. I'm Terrance.
Sandy:I'm Sandy.
Terrance:And today we're going to chew on what is versus what could be. But before we get into that, we just want to remind everyone to follow the Lunch with Sandy podcast on your favorite podcasting app and also be sure to like and follow on all social media at lunch with Sandy. Sandy what it is, what it be, how you doing today.
Sandy:I'm ready for another vacation. That's how I am today.
Terrance:Well, hopefully well, luckily you don't have too long to wait for that other vacation, because we have one coming up soon. You just got to prepare for it.
Sandy:Oh, I'm prepared. Well now it's just a matter of when I say hurrying up for it to come.
Terrance:When I say prepare for it that means all the stuff that you got to get done. You got to get done, so your mind is right. When you go on vacation, you can enjoy the vacation and not think about the stuff that you didn't get done.
Sandy:Yeah, I'm at the point where I'm ready to pack and it's still too far away.
Terrance:Yeah, I don't think that you can start packing.
Sandy:I mean, you can, I could.
Terrance:All it's going to do is, if you pack now.
Sandy:I might have to change it it's just going to make you anxious, because no, it'll make me feel better, Like it's coming.
Terrance:Yeah, but you have to keep saying it's coming, it's coming, it's coming, it's coming.
Sandy:It's till it actually gets here.
Terrance:I don't know how that's going to work out for you.
Sandy:I don't know. It just makes me feel closer to the vacation if I'm packing for it, whether or not it's still a minute away. But at the same point the weather can be fickle. So I don't want to pack for 60 degree weather and then it's like 70, 80. So I guess I'll wait.
Terrance:I don't think you have any other choice. But anyway, let's get into today's special. You know we've had a number of conversations about that. Fall out of word that word love, and part of that is because at times love can be so inspiring and so uplifting. But when you start to talk about love and falling in love, you know you got to be careful, because there are some pitfalls that you can run into when you start falling for someone, and one of those pitfalls is when we tend to meet someone and we're in those initial stages, we begin to fall in love with the potential of who that person may be. So the question that I have for you is do you believe that we fall in love more with the potential of what or who someone can be, as opposed to who they actually are?
Sandy:For starters, it makes me think about the Gold Diggers song.
Terrance:I don't know, you know, I still don't know why the pathways of your brains they go in these directions that are completely unexpected. But I'm imagining you're going to bring me there, to where you're trying to go, because I don't know how Gold Diggers have to do with this.
Sandy:But well, because I'm trying to remember the exact lyrics of the song.
Terrance:But wait a minute.
Sandy:He's, he's a conure.
Terrance:He's a conure. I know who sings the song. You're referencing a song and you don't even know the words.
Sandy:No, I do, but it's something like he's you know, dishwasher now, and then he becomes like famous.
Terrance:Next week he's on fries yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sandy:And then and then. Yeah, so that's the potential, right Like that makes me.
Terrance:So is that a true story? You started going out with this dishwasher.
Sandy:No, but it just I don't know why this particular topic brings me there, watch him. He going to make a tour of bands out of that dots and something like that he got ambitions, but anyway. Right, so somebody's like potential like that. Do you stick with somebody A potential like that?
Terrance:So I'm going to try to get you to answer this question in a way that everyone's going to understand. Have you ever started dating someone and was more in tune or more looking at them for their potential as opposed to who they actually could be?
Sandy:Uh no, I personally don't feel like.
Terrance:I have, you never have.
Sandy:But I feel like there's always some, regardless, right, you know what I mean. I wouldn't say specifically for the potential, but I feel like you know you're always looking into the potential of the person when you're dating them right, Like if you think this person is going to not amount too much, like are you going to really stick with them. You know what I mean.
Terrance:So there has to be that's a double-edged sword, because then I can flip that question around and say have you ever been with someone who has not amounted too much? Yes, and I think we all so.
Sandy:I think. But I, like you know, when you're dating, you know they have the potential to be a good father and they have a good potential to be, you know, provider. You know, I think, that they're you're always thinking in some respect of the potential that they can become, and not always so much the situation that you're in at that exact moment.
Terrance:I think to an extent, it's normal, but when you look at the way that I phrased it right? Well, let me take a step back. I think it's normal because we all have hopes, dreams and aspirations and I think innately, when we begin to fall for someone you know, we've mentioned this before you do have blinders on, so you start to see a future through your eyes and right when you see something through your eyes, I think you're picking out the potential of what your actual partner can be. The question now becomes Do we fall more for the potential than who? That person actually is? Right, and I'll give you an example.
Terrance:Well, I'm not gonna give personal stuff. Let me take a step back. I can say that there have been times where I've got involved with someone based off a good portion of their potential, and by that what I mean is when you first start falling for someone or you get with someone, there are some things that they're going to do that you're not going to like, but you start to look at what you envision your future to be and how that person fits into it. And inevitably we all do this we look to what we can do or how we can steer somebody and we move forward. I gotta tell you I've moved forward with a few people in the past and you know it don't turn out the way that you always envision it to be.
Sandy:Yeah, I guess that makes sense. So I guess I lied and you're right. So in my particular situation, where I was dating someone whose father was a pastor right, even though that person was not on the trajectory for that, but I thought maybe there was potential there, right?
Terrance:You wanted a man of the cloth, and the man just had cloths on.
Sandy:Yeah, I don't even know what to say after that one. Speak the truth he wore nothing, bob cloths oh goodness, I lost my train of thought there. But you know, but you're right. And like that situation was, you know, myself envisioning a future. That was a possibility, but at the end of the day, it was not a possibility.
Terrance:I've had a number of those and sometimes I think. Sometimes I think that we believe that there is enough of us or there's enough in us to change someone.
Terrance:You know how I feel about changing people. Look, I'm much more mature now and I understand that people only change based off them wanting to change. But when you get involved with someone and you see that you potentially have and I'm going to use this phrase, but it's, I might be overstating it a little bit when you see you may have a diamond in the rough and the hope is that with enough effort and spit you can polish, you can polish the unit, that diamond right up.
Sandy:Clear away some of that dirt and make it shine. Yeah, and I've tried.
Terrance:I've tried many times. Well, now I'm not going to say many times. I've tried a number of times and and it just didn't work out. And listen, I'm not saying at all at all times I was a diamond myself, but I think I've always been in diamond. Okay, Um.
Sandy:I think. But I would say, yeah, I think it was one of the things I was going to say. I think you have to be very careful that it's strictly potential that you are envisioning and that you're not actually trying to change them.
Terrance:Well, the thing, the thing with that is potential is still just potential. That's the other part of it. You can see something in someone and they don't see it in themselves. And it's hard for something to come to fruition when you're talking about someone becoming who you expect them to be if they can't see it for themselves. And even if they pretend to get I'm not gonna use the term pretend even if you believe that they reached that goal of what their potential is. Again, if it's not self-realized or self-actualized, then is it real? So I think it's something that we all do to an extent.
Sandy:So do you think you're just being an idealist when you are envisioning this potential on these multiple locations?
Terrance:Well, you know what I'm gonna tell you. The real part of it is this as human beings, we're very shallow and listen, and I'm being honest Are you calling yourself? Shallow, I'm not anymore. I told you I was not always the complete product that I am sitting here before you, but when you find someone that you're interested in and they have these qualities that you like, sometimes you overlook certain qualities.
Terrance:And it's not so much that you overlook them. Well, it's not so much that you overlook those qualities, but you begin to prioritize what's important to you and then you say, well, I can work with those pieces later, or hopefully they can mature in those particular areas and become all that they're meant to be, all that the potential has for them to actually reach. And it don't always work out that way.
Sandy:No, no, it does not. I guess I saw potential in you.
Terrance:Everybody sees potential in me.
Sandy:That you'd still look good this late in life later in life.
Terrance:I've said it before black, don't crack. You know what I mean and you know there's that whole aspect of you know I'm vintage. I'm like a fine wine. I get better with time.
Sandy:Yeah, I guess for me personally, it's been more just, I guess, living in the moment, like even though, yeah, I envision a future, I don't think I oftentimes try to put specific potential on other people. I know there was always potential for myself but not somebody else, so, which makes me wondered, you know, are we the oddities or are we the norms? No, I mean, I don't think that we're oddities, I mean like you did a few times where I definitely did it once.
Terrance:I'm gonna go on to live and say that you've done it more than once. You may not just realize it when you say you live in the moment, right? So let me ask you this if you're only living in a moment, do you not see a future with that person? Because right now everything is good right now.
Sandy:Well, it's funny because I honestly, I honestly didn't see a real future with anybody until I met you. But Is that weird?
Terrance:I guess that's why I never got married before you. Well, I mean listen, I think you have to go back and think about your relationships that you've had in the past, and the reason why I said it is this you've been with people for long periods of time.
Sandy:Yeah, I know, it was always this very weird scenario for me. It was like, yeah, it is what it is and it's gonna continue down this path, but I don't know if this is ultimately the person.
Terrance:When you say the person.
Sandy:Like the person that I just wanted to marry and just spend the rest of my life with.
Terrance:I think there's a situation where you can say, okay, well, someone's not the person, but people can be a person, cause I'm not talking here. When we talk about being with someone for their potential, we're not talking about necessarily this person's going to be your life partner, because ultimately, we all make mistakes, and by that what I mean is we may think we see potential and that person may not do anything wrong to cause us to say, okay, well, enough of this. They just may not be the people who we thought they were. And by that what I mean is it's all new when you first meet somebody, you don't know everything about them, and people are gonna give you signs when you first meet them. So the question becomes okay, this person may not be the person, but at some point they were a person, so you had to see something in them for them to be a person.
Sandy:True.
Terrance:Or was it just you or just shallow, and you were just looking, looking for love in all the wrong places. Don't do that. And obviously if you were see, if you say you were looking for love, then it's not so much that you were that shallow, because you've been in long-term relationships. So now you gotta ask yourself, okay, if you didn't see potential and that might be a topic for a whole another episode because if you didn't see potential, what led you to stay with these people for so long? You had to have seen something.
Terrance:Stupidity, I mean, that could be it.
Sandy:Maybe a few other reasons, but you know right, it may take a whole episode.
Terrance:Well, it sounds. I mean it sounds. It sounds like it may take a whole episode. All right, so it's okay. I think it's okay if you look at a person and decide that you wanna get involved with them, based off some potential that you may see within them. I think that when you start talking about being in a relationship, you wanna be able to see a bright future for yourself, and sometimes looking at their potential allows you to do that. It allows you to see or envision what life may be like with a particular person, and that's not a bad thing. I think the challenge comes in where you look more at the potential and not who the person actually is, because when you ignore who that person is, then you're setting up a trap for yourself.
Sandy:Well, who that person is and if you're ignoring the fact that they don't even see the potential in themselves, right Like you, can't give somebody the ambition to make that potential into something.
Terrance:Yeah, that's in the situation where you may see that they don't have any ambition right. So when I think about the positive aspects of looking at someone's potential right First off, you know you work off the premise that no one is a complete work of art. So if they're showing you signs of compatibility, compatibility, and they're showing you some things that you think might make them a Good partner, and and then it might not be solid, but they're showing you signs, then I don't think. Then I think it's a good idea to explore that, while at the same time making sure you're getting to know who they actually are.
Sandy:Yeah, you're right, because I feel like when we started getting serious right Maybe there's like miscommunication and stuff but to me it wasn't as as important the fact that you know, we would Sometimes have tiffs, because of the potential that I saw within our relationship, you know.
Terrance:I don't know what tips you talking about.
Sandy:I don't know, I can't think of it, specific ones off the top of my mind, I'm just thinking, for the most part, right. We Got along Almost every day, for a lack of a better phrase so that when we did Argue and maybe not see eye to eye on something, it was knowing that the potential was there for us to like work through those situations to where you know we are the blissful marriage that we Know your word play yeah, I get it.
Terrance:So, on the flip side, if, if you get involved with someone solely for I don't want to say solely, primarily based off potential, and I don't even want to say primarily if you're looking at someone's potential but you ignore all the signs of who they are, that can be detrimental, and I say that for a number of reasons. When you ignore signs that are being shown to you, you're gonna end up in a dysfunctional relationship Because you're never going to be on the same page, because you're going to be living in the world where you're living with this person's potential, but that person is going to be who they actually are and it's not going to line up and you're gonna have nothing but problems right.
Sandy:So you're kind of living with the painting of the picture in your mind of what could be Versus what the reality is at this moment in time.
Terrance:Yep, and when it doesn't line up, all that's going to do is cause friction and you're gonna be having all these issues because you're living in two different worlds. I'm most loving someone that's not Not really real well, and, and it's going you're not going to be happy. Yeah, no how can you be happy with? How can you be? How could you be happy when you're living in a dream? Any other person is living in reality.
Terrance:I guess the sluggish, don't wake up. I mean well, the difference, the difference is. So you are awake, let's let's see. I know, but Mentally You're living in a different state. You'll put it this way mentally you're living with a different person.
Terrance:Yeah then, who the person actually is. And the person has done nothing but show you who they actually are. It's just that in your mind, you're seeing the potential and the expectation is. Their actions, their words and everything that they do is based off potential that you see in your mind, but they're actually being who they actually are and it's causing all of these issues because You're ignoring who they are.
Terrance:Yeah that's going to cause nothing but issues, and when that happens you can't build off that. The foundation is going to be too shaky because, again, you're on two different wavelengths. So, although it's, it's important to be able to envision and imagine what Potential could bring to an actual relationship.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:It's also important to realize that potential is just potential and Not everyone lives up to their potential.
Sandy:No, it's well. I think it's healthy, right for us all to have dreams and these ideas of potential, right, or else, I don't know, we would have really nothing to Strive for. But you're right, at some point you also need to align those dreams with Is it true potential, or Is it just this made up illusion in your mind that's never going to come to any fruition.
Terrance:Yeah, and I think the other thing that the other thing that we have to be careful of is, you know, we live in a time where there's so much access to so many different things and when you have all that access, it gives you the ability to really compare what you have, or what you want and what you expect Unrealistically to so many other things mm-hmm because Prior to you may not have had that access.
Terrance:and so now, when you start talking about potential, when you start talking about expectation, sometimes Our expectation is a bit unrealistic, and so when we're looking at someone's potential, we may not be, we may not be able to properly judge what that person's potential is or is not. And that can put us in a situation where where, way off base, when we talk about who it is that we're trying to build something with, so the goal is just to envision any potential in any way.
Terrance:No, that's not the goal. The goal is when you start getting involved with someone, it's okay to imagine what might be, but you need to have a firm grasp of who that person is today.
Sandy:Yes.
Terrance:You need to know what it is that you both bring to the table today, and then you have to decide okay, two, three, five, 10 years from now.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:This person is still who they are and hopefully and you want to obviously the expectation is people are going to grow and develop and improve themselves. But if this person, from the potential perspective, is not who you thought they would be, five, 10 years from now, is that person still going to be enough?
Terrance:Probably not, that was it was a rhetorical question, and what you've got to make sure is you've got to make sure that you're not. You know the phrase is. What is it? It's not accepting or throwing away. It has something to do with not accepting good while waiting for perfection. And since I'm trying to remember exactly what the phrase is, I would just say not accepting.
Terrance:It's like throwing away throwing away the good, waiting for the perfect perfection, or something like that, and the short of it is this what you have to be careful of is this If you're always banking on someone to meet your potential that you see, and at the same time, this is someone who cares for you, someone who loves you and someone who's able to work with you to build something, you're going to decide whether or not that's good enough for you.
Sandy:Yeah Well, as you started this episode with like the four letter word love, right? I think ultimately, that's what everybody's looking for. Well then the question. So I think you know it. I wouldn't say you're selling yourself short. I think the person needs to decide. Do they just need to reevaluate what that potential was versus?
Terrance:And I didn't say we're selling yourself short.
Sandy:I said you know I know, I know, but I mean, like you know, you're saying, will you still be happy? So I'm just saying, you know, I guess if I was in that position it would be like, oh well, all right, well, we might not be here, but at least we're here and we're here together, and that's good enough.
Terrance:See, I always look at the positive aspect of it and if you were used to saying, okay, well, living in the moment, then if you're doing good in the moment, then that should be enough.
Sandy:Yeah, yeah.
Terrance:The challenge for for people, when you start talking about what is versus what could be, is we we talked about this before when emotions kick in and you're, you first get involved with someone. There is that whole phrase love is blind when you start falling for someone.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:And you can ignore some red flags and that could put you in a situation. But as long as you focus on what is important and you understand what it is you have, you can make the proper decisions. The other part about that too is and we said this earlier you know, too often we operate under the guides that we can change someone, and that happens all the time. People always think, oh well, I'm gonna be able to change him. And I say I'm gonna be able to change him because I think that's more of I think that's more of a female perspective. When they talk, when you talk about changing, I'll take a step back and say when I was involved in those relationships, I wasn't trying to change anyone. It was at some point they're gonna reach, they're gonna. You know, I'm doing this and at some point they're gonna match my level and then we gonna be taken off and it just didn't happen.
Sandy:They just never matched your level to take off.
Terrance:Yeah, where I think you know it's. I think sometimes it's different with women. I think some women and again I'm not generalizing, I'm not saying all, but I believe some women take on the task of trying to change someone.
Sandy:Yeah, he's a player now, but I can change him.
Terrance:Well, I wasn't even talking about that, rao, but yeah, I mean, I think that when you, when you get involved with someone and you believe you have the ability to change them, you have a tall task to overcome, because I don't think that people can change other people. I think that you can impact someone so they can look at themselves and then decide whether or not they want to do things different. But, I think people can only change themselves.
Sandy:Yeah, you might be able to give them a little extra confidence booster or motivation, but they ultimately have to try to. They ultimately have to want to change. You definitely can't, you know, just put all this time and energy to changing someone without them wanting to put any energy into it. That is for sure.
Terrance:Yeah. So the question becomes how many times?
Sandy:Well, it took you a couple of times.
Terrance:Have you banked on potential as opposed to who someone really is? And that's not a question that you actually have to answer. But I mean, I think that to an extent, it's natural for everybody to do that?
Sandy:Yeah, well, to your point from earlier, right, unless you see potential in the relationship, then why are you even in it? Yeah, so it's not really expected to some degree.
Terrance:Yeah, and I think there's a difference between seeing potential in a relationship.
Sandy:Well, I mean like no, no, no, no, no that's a good point.
Terrance:I think there's a difference between seeing potential in a relationship and seeing the potential of who someone can become.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:Because I think that every relationship at some point has potential, right Otherwise, you know, but when you work under the premise that person A has the potential to rule the world, so I'm gonna stick with him.
Sandy:Yeah.
Terrance:And that person can't even rule the house. You know, that's what you gotta be careful of.
Sandy:Because the stories that come up in my own mind are just completely different. Well, yeah this guy has the potential to be a great chef, which maybe he does become one, but he never cooks for me at home.
Terrance:Well, see, that's, he's reached his potential. So you gotta be careful, because if the potential is for him to be a great chef and he's a great chef he's reached it. Right, but it's like you know you want them to cook for you, not just for everybody else, well then, your potential shouldn't have been a great chef, it should have been a great cook at home. Words matter.
Sandy:Yeah, words matter.
Terrance:All right, I think we talked enough about potential and I think from the conversation you know, it's clear that when you're trying to balance between loving a person for who they are and what they have the potential to be, you know there are some things that you're going to have to grapple with, but you want to make sure that, in all cases, you're really looking at who the person is Because, again, if you choose only to see who they are from the aspect of what their potential is, you can be in a situation where you accept things that you normally wouldn't accept or just be completely unhappy, and I don't think that's the goal of any relationship. Now, with that being said, let's get to my weekly reflection. Don't be afraid to open the door to different experiences and new places. You may be surprised and find new interests that you didn't have before. That's all for the Lunch with Sandy podcast this week. Thank you for joining us. Please be sure to follow us and leave feedback on your favorite podcasting app, as well as social media. Until next time, stay well.
Announcer:That's it for this week's episode of the Lunch with Sandy podcast. Thanks for listening. We'd love to hear your feedback and comments on Instagram, tiktok and Twitter and Lunch with Sandy, and be sure to follow us on your favorite podcast app. If you enjoyed the show, don't forget to rate and review us. Thanks again for listening to the Lunch with Sandy podcast.
